Trying Not To Blogger-Babble Like An Idiot

So I’m sitting her trying to forgive myself of my recent (and lengthy) Blogger-Babble. With pictures, no less. I keep NOT writing what’s on my mind because I’m just in so much of a funk. I’m just honestly so tired of it. I keep not writing about the funk because there are many people who read my blog that I see daily/weekly/monthly or I’ll talk to them on the phone and I just do not want to have a conversation about my funk. So here’s the rule: Those who see my regularly (you know who you are) Let me pretend when I see any of you that I do not have funk. Secretly (or not so secretly) you can know about it, I honestly don’t care if you do…I just have to make the rule of NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. I hate talking. There will BE NO TALKING!

But apparently it is all good that I blog about it.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m angry at a few things/issues in my life. I’m angry at myself…angry at other people…angry at situations that have come about. Angry that I always seem to pretend like nothing’s wrong. Angry that I can’t always stick up for myself or what’s important to me. Angry that everyone seems to know what it’s like to live my life when they’ve never done it. Angry at self-centered people and angry that I can be one of those people sometimes. I’m angry that I practically kill myself trying to make “everything” work when it turns out that nothing works. I’m angry that life isn’t fair OR easy. I’m angry that I just can’t make all of this go away.

I am disturbed by the fact that it really doesn’t matter how hard I try and plan, nothing seems to turn out like I wanted. It would seem that there are too many outside factors that get in the way. I feel ashamed for feeling so down in the dumps when there is so much hurt and pain in this world. (This would be the hating being self centered part.)

Focus, JP…and have faith…right? Somehow I knew you would say that…