JP and the MegaBeast

Why the Past Few Days Have Been a Little Bit Stinky…and Why I’m Hoping Today Will Be Better.

2005-10-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

You would think that I’m so used to my crazy life that I would become immune to anything that is thrown my way. One would think that, yes. And yet I am repeatedly thrown off guard by the chaos and insanity. Seriously…do I just keep NOT learning? You’d think that courtside tickets for Sunday’s game would’ve created this Bermuda Triangle for all the chaos and bad things in my life to go to. While the game was incredibly fun, it just made Monday THAT much more offensive…and ugly…and made me want to cry. I could tell you about some of the accounting garbage that nearly drove me to jumping off the balcony into the river, but that includes telling you of accruals, balance sheet drama, journal entries, referencing, etc and I just don’t think I can do that to you.

You can thank me later.

But it was the chaos that ADDED to that chaos that made me want to cry. Things like my ear buds from my headphones not fitting into my ears properly. Turns out I had the right bud in my left ear and the left bud in my right ear but I had no clue my ears were so ear-bud-picky.

Or when you let your child “do” her own hair over the weekend, it is not until Monday morning that you realize that something is amiss. As Alonso brushed Paige’s hair…he just couldn’t figure out why the front looked so funny…so poofy. With his frustration levels at breaking points and wondering where all this “new hair” came from, I examined the situation only to find that the supposed “new” hair was actually CUT HAIR. It would seem that (at some point) over the weekend Paige got a comb stuck in her hair and the little troll attempted to CUT it out. The little troll’s explanation of why she didn’t ask for help in removing the comb was: “I don’t know.” Even “my dog at my homework” is better than that. Have I failed her as a parent in that she can’t even give me a decent excuse???

And then there was the chore chart that I created for the entire family to follow. Everything went fairly smooth all week. There is so much more order to too all things and I really am super proud of my organization and initiative. EVERYTHING on our list of daily/weekly chores got done…EVERYONE did their part. And THEN MIL tells me last night that we need to go over the chore chart because certain things didn’t get done last week. When I asked her what didn’t get done she pointed out MY project for the week. I gave her the most incredulous look I could come up with and said: “yeah-huh.” But because she didn’t SEE (with her own evil-eyes) the work get done, then it didn’t happen…it was ME that didn’t get the job done. I’m still berating myself for working so damn hard because it really was for no reason. Really. Why do I keep trying?

The bright spot to all of this is that I have declared Friday a holiday and I’m spending the entire day NOT AT WORK and yet NOT AT HOME, either. Good job me. I might even get to spend time with my mom…AND get my hair done. My week can only improve, right? I’m also not telling anyone in my household that I am taking the day off. As dishonest as that sounds, I just DO NOT want to deal with any of them knowing. I need a REAL day off and that WILL NOT HAPPEN if those people know about it. Sure, my passage to Hell has been bought and paid for. But I will have good hair come Friday at noon...complete with highlights. One has to look good in Hell, no?

Time Off for Bad Behavior

2005-10-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

It’s been really intense at work. There is so much going on and everyone is a little on edge. I’ve been working so much and I’m really starting to hate this place. In geek terms, since I AM in accounting, that we do a full month-end close of the books…EVERY MONTH. It is October 13th and we JUST started on our close yesterday and have to have financials done by close of business Tuesday. That does not even cover the “extra” projects that are on my desk, too.

You just MIGHT sense the urgency and the intense situations that I am facing. A nervous breakdown was imminent. Or yelling at the CEO of our company. Yelling at any high level officer of a company is usually frowned upon…but I was just rewarded for it. Well…I think I just scared the bejezus out of everyone by my outburst when I’m usually so quiet and accommodating.

I’ve created a new image for myself now.

With SO MUCH work looming in front of me, I haven’t been leaving my desk very often. I heard quite the commotion over on the other side of our floor, but didn’t think much about it. I was focused on my bean counting responsibilities and couldn’t be bothered. As luck would have it, I needed to make a copy and walked over to the other side and found pretty much everyone on the floor surrounding our CEO. Our company has courtside tickets to the Sacramento Kings and they were having a drawing for four pre-season tickets for this Sunday. But only if you were in the general vicinity so that you could put your name in the empty oatmeal box they were using as a bucket. In passing, once I found out what was going on, I mentioned the injustice of not including those of us WHO WERE ACTUALLY WORKING. I was basically told, “Too bad…you should’ve been over here.”

Those bastards.

On my way back, I stop to ask a co-worker a question (so that can proceed with WORKING) and the four winners, the CEO and other various co-workers are talking about the contest and who won, etc. I think my late hours, working from home and dreaming about work is taking its toll on me. In the middle of their conversation I blurt out,

“I can’t believe I’ve worked here for EIGHT YEARS and have never gotten
tickets!”

“Well, where were you??!” says CEO. “You should’ve been out here!”

“I was WORKING Godammit!” (and then he laughs.)

Now, I may swear like a sailor...at times…but that is NOT a word I ever use. EVER. And then I pull out all the stops and swear at the CEO of our company??! My mom will be so proud when she reads this. May the shame and guilt officially begin.

And yet I now have a ticket to the game.

While John does have tickets for Tuesday’s game (so I don’t feel all that bad) I can’t believe that I am going to the King’s game Sunday. Courtside. Right behind the players. At halftime, Tracie (one of the winners) and I will switch with the other two who will be sitting courtside, center court. Now tell ME that the squeaky wheel doesn’t get that grease. Even if you do, I WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU. Apparently the “nice little girl” routine, while it might make people like you, it does NOT give you courtside tickets.

I’ve been living life so wrong.

I Hope You've Had The Time Of Your Life

2005-10-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

Last night, in the car, one of the local DJ's announced the upcoming songs and artists. One of them being our beloved Green Day. From the back seat Abby's excitement is uncontainable and she yells, "MOMM! Green Day.....they say GREEN DAY!!"

Could a mother be ANY prouder? Most parents hope that they instill special talents like being a good speller...or a good athlete...or have really great hair. Me? I aim for the inevitable love for Green Day. The fact that the three year old has a love for Billie Joe and Co. that rivals my love...well, it just does the heart good. It's right up there wiith the first time she called me "mom."

Nevermind that she called my friend, Mary, "mom" BEFORE she called me "mom"....that's just a technicallity.

There are times when I look at my two girls and marvel at the fact that I'm a mom...even if I didn't get the title first. (Thanks to Mary.) I think about when they were born and how amazing those two events were. I think about the joy that feel as a mother...how a little voice singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" can bring you to tears...or how that first dribble down the soccer field brings out the absolute maniac out of you. Or the very first time your 3rd grader says that you don't have to walk them ALL the way to the class and you think your heart might break...and then smile the next day when they don't want you to leave. Even those times when you're about to pull your hair out because if they fight with eachother ONE MORE TIME you're gonna lose it...or when that same 3rd grader argues with you because her teacher told her a different way to do something...or when the three year old WILL NOT do what you ask her to. Being a mom (or a dad) is THE hardest job you will ever have. You will never feel so much guilt...so much happiness...so much pain...so much of a reward in your life.

The mom's of today put so much pressure on themselves to be "the perfect mom." There is this "need to please" and the need to prove that Wonder Woman does exist...and she's taken on the secret identity of that mom over there that drives the Volvo. It is almost like each mom is competing against the other to see who can put on the best fundraiser or bake the best cookies...or see who has the best hair.

Since pre-school...I've felt that need to compete. Like I'm not a good enough mom anyway because I work outside the home why bother trying to keep up with those other moms who are outdoing the other at any given opportunity. I'm so very tired of those mom's that will sit there and talk bad about other moms/parents just to further validate what they do. I mean, who died and left them in charge to make other parents feel like crap?? When Paige started 2nd Grade, I made a committment to myself that I would NOT get sucked into that vortex again. I would NOT try to compete with those other moms for the top spot only to get voted off the "island" when the next up and coming mom found something else to dazzle everyone around her. I've done a good job of not getting sucked in. I have let myself feel inferior (thanks to Oozie Lady) but I stay out of the drama...I stay out of the issues that come up because the other parents create those issues...and I make it a point to stay away from those parents and keep them at a distance when they just won't stay away.

I came accross a book the other night as I wondered the book store. (An evening at the book store BY MYSELF...THANKS DAD!) It was a new release written by a mom who takes a hard look at todays mom and how that monster was created. Just reading the inside cover of the book, I felt a connection to this other mother that wrote a book on the craziness that is: MOTHER. Why does every mother have something to prove? If ever there were an idea for a reality show (and please know I don't condone it) it would be mothers competing against eachother. The mom that throws the best birthday part or play date...or the mom that bakes the best cakes or sews the best costume.

It's disgusting.

I love how much I enjoy my daughters' school expereinces one I removed myself from the evil vortex of mothers. I still have (many) moments of inferiority complex...but I suppose that is to be expected when Little Suzy's mommy just sent out the birthday invitations for an event that rivals the Golden Globe Awards. It's excessive...and it's unnecessary...and I'm glad that it doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Bu then, I'm on my way to go color with Paige and sing (edited) Green Day songs with Abby. Life just doesn't get much better than that.

I'm So Dizzy...My Head is Spinning

2005-10-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

When “Mr. Brightside” comes up on the MP3 player, it starts with music on only one side of the earphones. This happens with other songs, I know….hearing different instruments or vocals on either ear. But for some reason with that song, it makes me dizzy. Like…wicked dizzy for those first few seconds of the song and then everything goes back to the not-dizzy-state of being. Weird. I know.

I’m sure this has everything to do with my equilibrium (that whole inner-ear thing)…but does this totally prove how completely unbalanced I am? Or does my body just have an aversion to The Killers?

Blah, Blah, Blah...Mother In-Law, Blah, Blah, Blah

2005-10-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

Anyone who reads JP and the MegaBeast with any regularity (all 6 of you) should know that when I haven’t posted for a week, or more, there is a hum-dinger of a post headed your way.

Today is no different. If only for the fact that you can expect me to have a good MIL story since she can’t go an entire week without pissing me off. I am NOT hard to get a long with…it completely boggles the mind that she can piss me off daily.

And yet she does.

MIL’s birthday was over two weeks ago. Being the dutiful daughter in-law that I am, I had been planning a lovely birthday dinner party in her honor with special dinner guests included. I had everything planned out so nicely and was proud of how organized I was. I gave MIL a heads-up so that she wouldn’t plan anything, and went along with planning the event.

And then I made the mistake of including her husband and sons in the planning. Reason #5387 why I can be the stupidest person on the planet sometimes. Not only did they completely disrupt all my beautiful planning and organization but they couldn’t even find a day that would “work for them” and come up with ANY viable solutions for making this dinner party work. It was THEY…NOT ME that postponed any birthday celebrating until just last weekend.

And it is ALL.MY.FAULT.

So…

*I plan a dinner, can’t happen because those men are worthless.

*MIL embarrasses me in front of my friends when she blames me for the lack of birthday celebrating and says something about the fact that I promised her a birthday dinner and didn’t come through. I’m paraphrasing, of course…but she speaks broken English…it’s better for everyone this way.

*I push and push the men to actually do something…they continue to be worthless. I make a rash decision to do Sunday Brunch. All dinner guests are now brunch guests.

* MIL does not get much sleep the night before due to getting ready for a class she has and is therefore very tired for Sunday brunch. This can only mean bad things for yours truly.

*IN FRONT OF ALL OUR GUESTS, MIL has the nerve to say that she had wanted to sleep in this morning but couldn’t because she was told that she had to get up early for this brunch.

*While sitting at the very same table with this woman after she just blamed me for making her wake up while just days before she blamed me for not doing anything for her birthday, I stare out the window trying NOT to strangle her with my bare hands and realize just how DONE I am. I’m done with everything being my fault. I’m so done. And no matter how much I bring to her attention, she just doesn’t GET IT.

I think I liked it better when I just wasn’t speaking to her. Even if she totally didn’t notice.

Cuteness at High Decibles

2005-09-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Abby had her first preschool field trip the other day to a neighborhood fire station. I think the picture accurately describes her enthralling experience:

It turned out to be only a 30 minute field trip so Alonso dropped her off here at my office earlier than planned. While I knew I wouldn’t get MUCH done with her with me, I tried to answer a couple of e-mails (and a voicemail) with her sitting on my lap. After telling Jess via e-mail that Abby was visiting me, Jess sends an Auntie’s Hello with her (e-mailed) response. Foolishly, I tell Abby that “Aunt Jess says Hi.”

Abby stops coloring with the myriad of highlighters she had confiscated from my desk and looks at my computer screen and says,

“Jess…what you say?! MOM! WHAT SHE SAY???!!”

Apparently the three year-old doesn’t fully comprehend e-mails. And I’m sure the co-workers would appreciate LESS YELLING from Abby as she awaits an answer from Jess on the computer screen.

Ironic that the people that sit the closest to me have no children. Abby just might be the best birth control out there…

Why You Should NEVER Take Three Children to the Pharmacy

2005-09-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

With the past two weeks being the way they were, a trip to the pharmacy was NOT an option even though I’ve had a prescription for Paige’s nasal spray and eye drops for over a week. Yeah…the “Bad Mom Award” is in the bag!

Since I get out of work early on Tuesdays, I thought I would try out my Wonder Woman cape and take Paige, Abby and Michael to run errands with me after I picked them up from school. I know that my stupidity astounds you…but I had put it off long enough, I needed to check that off my to-do list. And so we went.

The slowness of this particular pharmacy turned “it will be ready in 15 minutes” to 45 minutes of watching these children terrorizing anyone and everyone that dared to cross their path. Abby ran at top speed to the other side of the store and darted down multiple aisles…tried on umpteen pairs of cheap sunglasses…and pretended to drink out of the baby bottles and sipp-y cups. Paige had to use the bathroom…twice. Michael TACKLED Abby to “catch” her on one of her attempts to outrun the law/her mother and then practically WWF-body slammed her to the floor to prove his point.

Seriously, where is the mother of these children, you might be asking?! Looking at lip gloss to save her sanity, thank you very much.

On one of my many attempts to just get them to hold still, they happened upon the blood pressure tester machine and the chair massager right next to each other. Foolishly, I thought this would occupy them for a time whilst I contemplated how I could get Abby “stuck” in the blood pressure machine until it was time to go. (Note: She’s too small…it didn’t work. Damn.) Fortunately and unfortunately, the chair massager was a big hit. Somehow, Abby got the first turn sitting on the chair. Due to her smallness, it just knocked her around a bit and she tired of it soon after she sat down. On to Paige who enjoyed the massage and took a bit of a longer turn than Abby…so Abby and I pretended to be enamored with the hair clips and brushes.

And then it was Michael’s turn at the chair.

I don’t know if Michael’s ever had any type of massage. A five year old usually doesn’t have that experience under their belt…but you never know. What I DO know is that Michael seemed to enjoy his turn at the chair due to him making noises of "pleasure" that made me sort of embarrassed. Actually, A LOT embarrassed. So embarrassed that I was SO glad when his focus turned to the blood pressure machine…and he got stuck.

I couldn’t decide if his yells of being stuck were worse than his “noises of pleasure” but I can tell you that I didn’t even care how expensive those darn prescriptions were because it got me right the hell out of that store.

After I caught up with Abby, of course.

Do You Celebrate a Blog Birthday or Blog Anniversary...and What is the Traditional Gift for Both?

2005-09-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today, JP and the MegaBeast is a year old. Or as I like to call it, “it’s been a year of virtually free therapy with the internet.” Because, let’s be honest…that’s what it really is. When I started this whole “blogging” thing, I just needed a place to vent. To say what was on my mind without having to say it to any particular person. I starting blogging because Sarah told me it would be good for me.

And it has.

In the beginning, the MegaBeast represented all the frustrations, etc in my life that just needed to be dealt with. Over the past year, the MegaBeast has continued to represent any and all of my frustrations in life. Most recently that frustration is my mother in-law. I can picture some raised eyebrows out there at my sarcastic approach to my life…but folks, I have to laugh and poke fun at my life so that I can put it all in perspective. I’m learning how to deal with the difficult people in my life…to stand up for myself…to move away from being such a doormat…to remember what is REALLY important and what truly is not. I love being able to laugh at the silly parts of my life. I love that even though I have crazy stories about crazy people in my life (or just my crazy life) that I can still (eventually) laugh at the craziness and remember that I truly am so blessed. I have SO much to be grateful for and I am.

Through this crazy blogging world, I’ve also learned that I like to write. I’m not saying I’m good at it…but I have found that I like telling stories. It has become a release for me. It has been a way for me to be creative and truthful all at the same time. It has been fun to go back and see how my writing has evolved over the past year…good or bad. I love that I am creating a type of journal that I would never have if I wasn’t blogging it. Oh, my poor children.

But one of the best parts of this blogging stuff is the other bloggers. I LOVE reading those blogs I’ve come to love. I LOVE learning that other people go through VERY similar situations and understanding the “other side of the story” sometimes. I feel like I have this new network of friends, even though I’ve never actually met most of these people and they probably have no clue how much I enjoy them and their blogs. I fear I’ve become like a stalker to those blogs that entertain me. Do they have restraining orders for blog stalkers? I’m harmless. Really. But I do sometimes snort when I laugh at some of your posts.

It’s weird that it’s been a year. It’s weird that I still love to do this. Hell, whoever reads JP and the MegaBeast must thing I’m SO weird. But that’s okay.

Thanks for letting me play along.

Inter-Office E-Mails Between Sarah and JP

2005-09-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

The thing is here. :) And by "thing" I mean the thing that D normally gets. Thank you.

It's here? wow...cool....will you bring it up at lunch????

What am I? Your burro?

Oh, heavens no. You're my bitch...

Welcome To Paradise

2005-09-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

A while ago while having lunch with some co-workers and the topic of favorite celebrities came up. Okay, it was a topic of which celebrities you had the hots for…and in what order and by category. (What can I say, we’re in Finance…we have dork-ish tendencies.) The categories were simple…favorite celebs for TV, Sports Figure, Movies or Music and there really was no limit of choices to each category. We even created “young” and “old” sub-categories within each category. (i.e. old hottie: Sean Connery or Robert Redferd vs. current hotties like Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Yum.) We somewhat patterned it around “the list” as seen on Friends. You know, the list of celebrities that were okay/had permission to sleep with should the opportunity ever present itself. I’m not saying it’s EVER okay to sleep with someone, even if they are a celebrity…and, you know…so Brad Pitt-ish.

Anyway…I’ve digressed. My current list, as it stands right now would go as follows:

TV: I have a special place in my heart for Michael Vartan from ALIAS. It saddens me greatly that he may be going away from the show. But let’s not speak of such things. I also, like most red-blooded American women (and gay men) love Ty Penington. (sigh, swoon…etc.)

Sports Figure: As I’ve already written a post on this man, there really is not reason to bring up my crush on Lance Armstrong…but shoot, why NOT bring it up? He’s delicious and a do-gooder.

Movies: I love Johnny Depp. There. I’ve said it. I LOVE that Wacky Canadian. I do. He’s hot…he’s fun to watch in any movie…and he’s H.O.T. Did I mention that I find him HOT? Well…he is…HOT.

So that brings us to MUSIC. You may not be aware of this, but I love me some Green Day. Always have. But my love has grown over time for Billie Joe Armstrong. There is just something about that Punk Rock, too much eyeliner, potty-mouthed freak that is just so endearing to me. I can’t explain it…I don’t really understand it…I just accept it and move on with my Billie Joe loving self.

So, to my complete delight, last night Alonso and I made our way to their “Homecoming” concert in San Francisco at SBC Park with 50,000 other Green Day fans. It was a huge show…and it was one of the best, if not THE best, concert I’ve been to. It was such a good show…it was fun…and it was filled with much Billie Joe…and really, you can’t ask for more than that. They were so entertaining and they even threw in some of my old favorite songs with the new stuff, too. Can they be any cooler? (I’d say probably not.) I was so excited the entire show.

There was a dark cloud over my evening, though. Throughout most of the show, I worried that I had reached the point in my life where I have absolutely NO HOPE of being cool. I just had this feeling that I’ve hit that time in my life that the “younger crowd” takes one look at me hoppin’ and dancin’ around and thinks, “OH, HOLY HELL…SHE IS L.A.M.E.” and then laugh their way away from me. And I think, “Is THAT me? Am I turning into THAT woman?” And then I weep on the inside. (sigh)

But really, I can’t dwell TOO much on that when there was just so much time to love Billie. So much time to love Billie…and so much hate on my feet for standing the entire time on that field. It was all worth it though…you know, loving the Green Day and the Billie. And then after the show in the bathroom…this teenage girl saw my wrist band that got us onto the field and says to me,

“Ohmigosh…did you get to go back stage?!” as she pointed to the green wristband.

“Oh, no.” I laugh, “this was just what got us onto the field.

“YOU. Were in. The MOSH PIT?!?!?”

And before I could help it, I LAUGHED and nearly said, “Honey…what part of that crowd on the field looked like a Mosh Pit??? In MY day if you were in the Mosh Pit you would have the bloody lip and black eye to prove it.”

But…whatever. By that time I had experienced about six or seven contact highs and was really craving some french fries.

Because I'm Still Waiting For the Good Day

2005-09-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

My boss’ name is Rita. Rita’s from Texas. One of our other executives walked into her office yesterday and said, “What’d Texas do to you?”

Is that funny? Because I’m still trying to find out if that’s funny. I just don’t think that was funny. But maybe that’s because it’s been a bad week. It’s actually been a bad two…maybe even THREE weeks. I’m sure you could tell by the really bad writing I just done did. I can’t even formulate a proper sentence, let alone make SENSE. I’d like to just blame it on Katrina or Rita (not my boss) but then I would feel guilty about THAT because I still have a home that is still standing…that is not flooded…I know where my children are. I still have my job and my car and a bed, not a cot.

But since I need to laugh, let’s make fun of my life. It’s always SO much more fun that way:

I have a MIL that really must think that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing as a mother because she just can’t seem to shut up. I’m thinking she may have a form of Turrets. But instead of any foul language and expletives, it is all about BUTTING IN. I feel I should consult a doctor on her behalf that will drug her with the good drugs. I’m all about the drugging…

I have a three year old that WILL.NOT.POOP. Something about the very idea of pooping does NOT scare the poop out of her. This is a huge road block in our quest for full potty-training accomplishments. You CANNOT get accepted into college if you are scared to poop.

I almost had a heart attack yesterday. Full on cardiac arrest because work has driven me to that point the past two weeks. I worked until 10:30 on Tuesday night because “someone” keeps making mistakes and that “someone” is NOT ME. Yesterday went to pot and I thought that I had ruined everyone’s life because of the way I had done something. I should note that I did it how I was told…but we all know how that works, don’t we. So things really DID go to pot but then got better because they all realized that I was PERFECT and did everything right…and that really is all that matters.

I had to skip out on a planned trip to Jamba Juice because Paige’s attitude prevented such a trip. Being a parent is HARD when you really, really, really want a Jamba and then your child you are treating to Jamba has a complete attitude and is rude to her mother and then you have to cancel the Jamba trip because children can’t be rewarded for bad behavior! Curses! Coincidentally, I also won the Worst Mother of the Year award for that one. I’d like to thank all the “little” people…

My husband sent me flowers last week and it wasn’t my birthday or our anniversary. The card said, “I hope this cheers up your day!! Love, Your Husband” and I’m seriously typing it word for word. What it should have said: “I am a complete ASS. You are the queen of the world and I shall worship the ground that you walk on because I am a COMPLETE ASS.” But of course, he would have to mean it and let the worshipping begin. He would also need to duct tape his mother’s mouth closed. That would score points.

I’d also like to note that there is a ‘fundraising event’ for the wicked preschool tonight that I really don’t want to go to but that I said that I would. It’s at a small, local amusement park complete with children’s noises and parents you want to strangle. I’m sure Oozie Lady and her pose will be there and I will feel sheepish. I did see O.L. last night as soccer practice, and that went very well…but still. She might feel safer in her pack and attack me. I also just want to go home and sleep because I really just want to sleep all that missed sleeping I have missed with the not sleeping.

And also, I want still want a Jamba.

But here’s hoping for a better week. I just don’t think I can handle another one like this one has been. I also don’t think that I can stay awake anymore. You think anyone will look for me if I hide in the supply closet?

Unexpected Montana Lingo

2005-09-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

“They's lucky you showed up today, Dawg.”

“I expected the "ya'lls" and "y'hears" from the Montana influence. You've thrown me for a loop with the Ebonics.”

“Yo, I'm still in touch with my homies back in S-Town.”

I swear, if she comes home at Christmas wearing flannel plaid AND a do-rag…you can put ME out of my misery.

Did I Go Too Far?

2005-09-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

I dealt with the oozie holding Mrs. Cleaver the best way I know how. I wrote a letter. And while that simple act puts me one step closer to becoming my father, it’s how I can say what I mean and feel without letting my emotions get in the way. I didn’t hold back. I let loose.

Well, I pissed her off. HER…the one that pissed ME off. And after the hour long conversation I had with her resolved all of our issues, I’m left feeling guilty for attacking her…even though I felt attacked too.

In this big game of Life, with the current generation, there will continually be this war between moms who stay home with their kids and moms that go to a job outside of the home. I work damn hard at my job and then go home and work damn hard for my kids. But I don’t think that stay at home moms work any less hard. Our lives are just different. Moms that work outside the home constantly feel judged for what they are NOT doing instead of what they are. And I would guess that stay at home moms feel judged for the very fact that they choose to stay home with their kids.

Why can’t we have the best of both worlds?

I offended Oozie Lady because I mentioned that the preschool was geared towards moms who stay home. (And it is.) But she felt I was putting a negative connotation on stay at home moms…when really, I’m frustrated with the dynamics of the preschool. I WISH I could stay home with my kids. I do. But right now that isn’t an option and I have to work hard to find balance in my crazy life.

But the craziest part of this whole battle is that we really are on the same team: Working hard for our kids and family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and still there continues to be judgment. I feel badly for not seeing that, even though now I am glad that Oozie Lady sees my side of the story, too. But wouldn’t it have been easier to respect the positions we are both in? Respect the “job” that each of us does. To just respect each mother and how hard they work for their family.

I’m done battling.

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

2005-09-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

I hate my daughter’s preschool. Alright, that’s not true. I hate the PARENTS at my daughter’s preschool. Yeah, that about covers it. Oddly enough, I hate some of the same parents that were there when Paige went to that damn school too. I should’ve known better when I saw all those women poppin’ out kids around the same time Abby was born.

My stupidity has been noted. I’m an idiot. Let’s move on.

The thing is, I LOVE the preschool as a school. LOVE the program. LOVE the teachers. I HATE being punished for being a working mom. All those self-absorbed, stay-at-home communists make me feel like such a loser. And before all, you know, five of you start in on me about how I shouldn’t LET people make me feel this way, you really have to meet some of these moms. They are like Mrs. Cleaver...with fangs and an oozie.

I’m not joking.

They can take something so simple as…oh, I don’t know…DOING THE LAUNDRY FOR THE PRESCHOOL and turn it into restoring World Order for all the three and four year olds in the land. Complete with fangs and oozies. World order for preschool aged children warrants those, I guess.

I am THIS close to pulling Abby out of that school because it’s only the third week of school and I’m already contemplating homicide. Sure, Abby’s been on the waiting list for this school since she was a baby…but OH MY GOSH. Homicide, people! I just can’t take these people any more!

Maybe I should just stick them in a cage with my mother in-law and let them fight to the death, Gladiator style. My mother in-law will win, of course…but it WILL keep her occupied for at least a full day…maybe two.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2005-09-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

Click on the picture or here to see my trip to the coast...I now have a big head thinking I'm an excellent photagrapher. Please remind me not to quit my day job.

Sarah's Wedding...I Haven't Forgotten

2005-09-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

This could take years to document everything. There is just SO MUCH to discuss! First of all, the Bachlorette Party that could really be described as “An Evening at Sarah’s House.” We had a lovely time…but did NOTHING of your traditional or expected Bachlorette Partying. Since none of us are your average or traditional anything…this suited us JUST PERFECT. We beaded things, ate pizza, gabbed and laughed, and I learned why the color of your eyebrows were SO important. Well, informative, at least. It was a fun beginning to what will go down in history as: SARAH’S WEDDING: The Event.

The actual wedding took place on a Thursday at the Oakland Temple. As soon as Tif, my gram and I pulled onto the freeway, lo and behold it was Sarah and Dustin flyin’ up behind us. Funny, we “followed” them all the way to the temple and were there incredibly early being that only 1/3 of us were actually going inside the temple. Tif and I stayed outside and “primped” while we waited. It was so wonderful to see Sarah walk out of that temple so happy and so married, just as she’s always wanted.

She was a stunning bride.

And dang...were the bridesmaids not THE CUTEST?

I could go on and on about the craziness of getting the church ready for the reception…but it is crazier than I should subject you too. ;) The best part of the prep was hanging out with my friends that I never get to hang out with. As nutty as we all felt, it was so much fun to be silly with those gals. It was also a blessing that we could give Sarah the best reception possible…to see her so happy. And damn, I’m proud of this cake table…

a collaborative effort by Jaimee, Tif, Jaye, me and Sonja. THAT just takes the cake. (hardy har har…)

There were the wickedly funny moments like when Dustin’s best man kept calling him “Justin” or when there were asses to be kicked by this MoH and I did just that or when Sarah danced provocatively with her new husband and her mother about fainted… “I’m married, Mom!” or when the lesbians and sinners showed up wondering if the church was going to actually fall ON them. It was an event filled with craziness and wonderfulness…and I’m so glad we all survived getting Sarah married. Love you, Girl...congratulations!

Someday I Will Post About Where I've Been and About Sarah's Wedding...

2005-09-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

When I was probably 12 years old (or so) my sisters and I watched this made for TV movie called "In a Child's Name." It's one of those warm and fuzzy movies that makes you just want to watch it over and over again. You know, complete with boy meets girl...boy marries girl...boy beats girl to death with his free-weights which leaves blood all over the house so that when the police use the glow in the dark chemical stuff, the entire house GLOWS. And I don't mean a Light Bright, "WOW that's a cool little light" light. No...this movie had to take it to the next "glowing" level to give it that "real life" flare.

Did I mentioned the entire house GLOWED? Yeah...and that's just the first half of the movie.

I remember my mom coming out to the living room annoyed that we were still awake and told us to go to bed. This is of course after the last scene (of the first half of the movie) was the parents of the killer coming to stay at the house (where the bastard kills his wife) with the couples infant son that they're taking care of while their bastard of a son is in jail and on trial for the murder OF THE BABY'S MAMA. Well, good 'ol gramps and grannie get all ready to sleep in the room and when they turn off the lights the entire room GLOWS. Which means, of course, the blood was EVERYWHERE...F*R*E*A*K*Y*

So as my mom forced us to bed, we had visions of murderers in our heads. Falling right to sleep was not going to happen. Especially once my mom turned off the light and the glow in the dark frisbee that I got from who knows were started GLOWING in the distance. I can still remember how freaked out I was.

So as I'm flipping throught the channels tonight, I come accross this very same movie on one of the Lifetime channels...right at the part where the bastard beats his wife with the weights. I screamed and hurried to change the channel. And even if the scream was only in my head...go HEAVENS I could not watch that movie if I ever wanted to fall asleep tonight.

And foolish chicken that I am, as I am explaining the story to Alonso (and as he laughs at the glow in the dark frisbee) he says, "Yeah. And then after the granparents turn off all the lights they just happen to have a black-light turned on so that they can see all this supposed glowing, 'cause you need a black-light for it to glow."

Yeah...like a 12 year old would think of that. Hell...this 27 year old didn't think of that. NO MORE COURT TV FOR THAT MAN.

OOPS...She Did It Again!

2005-09-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am working on a post to explain my blogging absence and what has been preventing me from the blogging world. As Sarah would say, I’ve been ALL KINDS of busy! However, I know that a MIL story is long overdue…and I will deliver:

Last night, I was making smoothies for the family. We are a smoothie loving family and have become experts at making them. My in-laws purchased this protein-powder stuff to add to our smoothies from The Costco. It sounds weird, but it’s actually good. The last time they purchased it, my father in-law grabbed the CHOCOLATE kind instead of VANILLA.

It’s amazing he’s allowed to breathe without permission after pulling a stunt like that.

MIL wasted no time getting all annoyed at FIL for grabbing the wrong flavor and made sure we knew that SHE. DID. NOT. DO. THIS. She would NEVER grab the wrong thing. EVER.

As I made smoothies last night, I grabbed the CHOCOLATE powder and mentioned to MIL how I like this flavor better. Much better. She agrees with me. Says that SHE LIKES THE CHOCOLATE FLAVOR BETTER, TOO!

Says, “It’s good that WE made the mistake and bought the “wrong” kind.”

And So To Bed...

2005-08-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

Sarah's married, I'm pooped...I found out that a friend of mine has a famous sister...and apparently I send my children to Lesbian Boot Camp. It's been a busy couple of days.

I will give the juicy details...but I'm just too tired now. I'm going to got "watch" Finding Nemo with Abby. It will be so interesting this time around. Abby asked what happend to Nemo's mom and my answer of "she died" wasn't good enough. After the third or fourth time, I changed my answer and said, "she went to heaven." After pondering this answer for a minute Abby says,

"Did she get stuck?"

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

2005-08-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

To celebrate Paige’s birthday, she had a slumber party with three of her friends. To avoid the potential drama that almost always follows and eight year old’s slumber part, I wanted to have quite the itinerary for those girls to avoid any questionable happenings. I roped Sarah and Noelle into my evil scheme and planned the Extreme Makeover – Slumber Party Edition for that night. I have to say (insert tooting my own horn here) that the party was a huge success. Sarah did make-up (complete with beauty tips for each girl) while Noelle did nails (did you know that eight year old girls LOVE having their nails alternate colors?) and then I did hair. And the whole reason that I’m writing about this is to brag that one of the girls said, and I quote: “This is THE BEST SLUMBER PARTY I HAVE EVER BEEN TO!”

Yes, that’s right…I, like, threw the best, like, slumber EVAR! And dudes, we hadn’t even started the karaoke yet!

KARAOKE…probably the scariest and the most fun word there is. And that’s just the spelling of it. (Thank Bob for spell check.) I don’t think I could even begin to describe the decibel of squeal once the K-word was spoken. It was at that moment I knew that there would be a Hillary Duff or Cheetah Girls song stuck in my head for the next 3 days…because eight year old girls LOVE to do the same song over and over and over and over. It’s part of their charm.

But what really takes the cake (and boy can those midgets pound back the cake!) is when Paige pulls one of the magazines I’m in from the counter to show her friends my ad. (I keep all the “publications” handy just in case important company comes over. You know, like the Pope…Ralph Lauren…or that kid who plays Urkel.) She opens that magazine, points to my picture and tells her friends, “LOOK. It’s my MOM! SHE’S FAMOUS!”

And, well…far be it for me to crush the hopes and dreams of the birthday girl so I decided to play along. Of course, by playing along I mean that this “famous mom” worked her “famous” self to the bone putting on The Best Slumber Party EVER complete with pizza, root beer and Funfetti cake and slept in the living room to make sure all was okay. And by golly, it’s a good thing that nothing did happen…’cause I just slept right on through it all.

But see, what really is starting to bug me about the whole thing is that since I am SUCH a famous mom then why am I sitting at my desk, staring out at the river with not ONE of those fantastic boats cruising area being mine??

They must not realize that it is ME on the back of that bus they are following. Perhaps I should invite them to Paige’s NEXT slumber party. She’ll set them straight.

I Think This is Why Paige and I Have a Great Love For the Land That is Disney

2005-08-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

I’m all out of cotton balls. A huge bag of cosmetic puffs…gone. This could have something to do with it:

Paige has become obsessed with cleaning her newly pierced ears with the Costco sized bottle of ear cleaner that you get from Claire’s Boutique. If there was any concern of whether or not she was responsible enough to get her ears pierced it is laughed at now. Paige puts the response AND the ability in Responsibility. Clean and turn. Clean and turn. She’s got it down. And she never forgets. She even carries the bottle and a (now depleted) supply of cotton balls around JUST IN CASE some disastrous, dirt filled something should even look at her ears.

Seriously, where did I get this child?

Eight years ago this week, I was on vacation with Alonso and his family in Southern California. I was EIGHT months pregnant traipsing around Knott’s Berry Farm, Disneyland and Universal Studios. I was HUGE. I was my own main attraction at each theme park we went to. People would stare. I would waddle. When I find the picture of me and Winnie the Pooh, I will post it. There is quite the debate about who is larger…and I was NOT wearing any type of costume or fat suit. Yes, the word you are thinking is WOW.

It was at that time that my love for Pirates of the Caribbean became GREAT as it was the ONLY ride that I could go on and it was my FIRST trip to Disneyland. It was also when my addiction to the Lemon Ice progressed to an obsession because THAT WAS ALL I WANTED because it was so blasted hot. Lucky for me you can get those little pieces of Heaven at EACH theme park we went to.

In the middle of the night before we were to head home, the-Little-Paigie-in-my-Tummy started a water balloon fight with me and woke me up. She felt appropriate that Southern California was to be her place of birth, even though her new home would be 600+ miles away AND SHE WAS NEARLY A MONTH EARLY!! It took me a little bit to wake The Dude (alonso. Alonso. ALONSO. ALONSO I THINK MY WATER JUST BROKE!!!) and then we woke the household so we could find a hospital to deliver this water balloon throwing child. Alonso’s cousins (who we were staying with) were all in a flutter and just could not understand how we could be so calm. Well, I’ll tell you why:

YOUNG and DUMB.

Ironically enough, my sister was staying mere miles away (while the rest of my family was THOUSANDS of miles away in Montana) from the hospital I was admitted to with her best friend and her family. She was able to hop on over to the hospital while I was in labor. And was even there to witness when I kicked everyone out of my room because my father in-law kept talking to me/asking me questions during contractions. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but contractions are a tad distracting. Especially Pitocin induced contractions which mean there are NO BREAKS. There really should be signs in hospitals that say, “Don’t talk to her while contractions are happening! It will just get you kicked out of the room!!”

Fourteen hours and a nearly empty room later, Paige Marie entered this world and started her mission of blessing everyone she comes in contact with. She was our little brown baby…my mom even called her “our little Egyptian Princess” the first time she saw her. The weird thing is that I don’t remember the exact moment she was born. I remember pretty much everything else (like, how freaked out Alonso cut the umbilical cord) except for her first moment in the world. Crazy, huh? Once everyone was permitted to enter back into the room, Alonso and Jaye were leaning over the baby container and Alonso was very concerned about all the “bruising” on Paige. Jaye leans forward to get a better look and says, “It’s HAIR, you Idiot!”

And on that Sunday evening, Alonso, Paige and I became a family of three. A very young family, just starting out together…but a family just the same. And in those moments, there were no worries of our families, of how we were going to do this, or even how were going to get home with this tiny newborn when home was hundreds of miles away. There was just Paige.

Paige was the miracle of life, the miracle of forgiveness and the miracle of love all wrapped up in a beautiful (brown baby) package. I couldn’t have asked for anything more amazingly wonderful…it was more than I’ll ever deserve. And yet here she was…and still is.

Happy Birthday, Paigie-Pooh…you truly are one in a million.

Love, Mommy

A History - Part 2

2005-08-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

While Alonso’s cousins were in town, we gave Paige an option to get her ears pierced while they were here. If she made the decision NOT to get her ears pierced that day, the offer would be forfeited and the timelines for ear piercing would go back to 10 years of age.

Being the bright girl that she is, Paige jumped on that chance and RAN with it. (Wouldn’t you?)

When we arrived home that night, MIL was ECSTATIC with the new additions to Paige’s ears…and told her that NOW SHE WAS A REAL GIRL.

The mind reels that there would be more to this story after THAT, but there is.

After the above remark (and I did scold her for it) she was talking to other family members at the kitchen table. I was pulling incredibly HOT pizzas out of the oven, but overheard her make yet another comment that made me FLY OUT OF MY SKIN. She actually made the comment (in Spanish, so I had to confirm what she said with Alonso’s cousin later) that she broke the rule of Paige getting her ears pierced before 10 and would do it with Abby, too.

WHO SAYS THIS KIND OF SHIT??!! Even if you say it in Spanish (which I prefer not to) IT STILL MEANS THE SAME DAMN THING!!!

Not only was she so NOT involved in the decision making process WHATSOEVER (and still she takes full credit somehow) she also plans on INTENTIONALLY THWARTING ANY AND ALL RULES THAT ALONSO AND I SET FORTH???!!

Seriously, if ever anyone needed a STIFF DRINK…or a lovely cocktail of Crazy People Pills…yeah, that’s me.

JP & The MIL...A History

2005-08-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

WARNING: I’m laying it ALL out on the table here. My aim is to throw in sarcasm and humor to add to the enjoyment of this history…because I’m a big fan of sarcasm and humor. Especially when dealing with MIL. There will be MUCH WRITING IN CAPS, BOLDS AND MAYBE EVEN ITALICS. You have been warned.

They say that history is written by whoever “wins” the battle, the war or, you know…who has the ability to actually write. Because of this, history sometimes is slanted because the views and opinions expressed by that winning party aren’t necessarily the facts of what really happened. So when I say that I’m winning the battle (not yet the war) with my in-laws, they have absolutely no clue. This history is written by the self-proclaimed winner…and, well, they have not clue how to even work a computer, let alone BLOG anything.

I first must give some background. I LOVE MY MIL. I really do. She honestly thinks she knows and does what’s best. That reason alone is why I don’t shove that tiny Mexican woman into Barbie’s dream house and find a way to lock her in there. FOREVER. Her partner in crime is my father in-law. (Can you write FIL? I am, now.) FIL is THE nicest man. He’s THE nicest man who will drive you TO ABSOLUTE MADNESS. It really is quite amazing that the two of them haven’t driven me to the pink or yellow pills. Gold star for…for someone. The past two to three weeks have been very eye opening for me. Not speaking to the MIL was not really key in winning the battles…but it sure helped my tactical plan. It helped if only for the fact that SHE KNEW I WAS PISSED.

SHE KNEW I MEANT WAR!

For eight (plus) years I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with the dynamics of Alonso’s family. I haven’t even scratched the surface. However, what I do know with a certainty that CANNOT be denied is MIL thinks that HER WAY IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT WAY. (Insert warning: underlined word may also show up.) May I direct your attention to Marie Barone of “Everybody Love Raymond”…there are alarming similarities. In more ways than ONE. I will NEVER keep house, cook, raise my kids, or love her son LIKE SHE THINKS IT SHOULD BE DONE. I know she loves me…but I know that she can’t STAND me doing things my way. OH, MY BLOOD PRESSURE!! For example…

Story/Battle 1:
Alonso and I getting married. FIL & MIL disagree with the timeline of us getting married. Said they weren’t going to go to the wedding in efforts to prove their point. THEY CHOOSE OUR WEDDING TO START THE PROVING A POINT PROCESS! I am a stressed out mess and just can’t understand. They show up just as the wedding is to start. The FOCUS is all about them…how good they showed up. Comment is made by MIL how I should never forget this, what she's done for us. Forget how you totally just made my wedding day the biggest joke of the planet? Nope! I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT! I’m obviously still working on the forgiveness side of that story.
BATTLE RESULTS: They won. I did NOT read them their rights like I should have.

Story/Battle 2:
Young me, of nineteen or twenty, with a young Paigie-Baby…deciding that working full-time and trying to figure out the whole married and new mom life would not fit me MAKING all the baby food that Paige would be eating. Gerber does have a small market on baby food; I figured we’d be alright. MIL disagreed telling me making the baby food shows the baby more love. (See? Not enough love for the children.) In my passive/aggressive manner, I leave for work and then ask my mom to watch Paige that day because I just didn’t know what to do…I was so angry.
BATTLE RESULTS: I won, for proving my point…but she did make Paige food when I wasn’t there. Sneaky little Crazy that she is.

Story/Battle 3:
Fast forward to this past May. FIL & MIL take Paige to a family party…Alonso and I stay home with puking Abby. MIL comes home just beside herself and says: “You need to do something about Paige. She is so spoiled.” EXACT WORDS. Well, exact words in her broken English. I looked straight at her (and let me just mention my BLOOD PRESSURE once again) and said, “And you don’t think that you haven’t helped her become that way??!!” AND SHE ARGUED WITH ME! She DID NOT see that her and FIL giving these girls whatever they want RESULTED in those girls BEING SPOILED!!! It was at that (shocking) moment that I truly, truly realized that SHE. DOES. NOT. GET. IT. She truly does not see any responsibility she has.
BATTLE RESULTS: A draw. I spoke my mind and didn’t back down (good job me) but MIL doesn’t GET IT and FIL cannot stand to see those girls cry.

Last Story/Battle 4:
The last story I will share (today) was the straw the broke the camel’s back and the very reason I stopped speaking to MIL & FIL. (You know, inquiring minds want to know.) While getting dinner for my children, Paige started whining about wanting more parmesan cheese. This is a small, small thing, but I had had it up to HERE with Spoiled Children Syndrome (SCS) and denied her request for MORE parmesan cheese. MIL GAVE HER MORE CHEESE AFTER I HAD ALREADY SAID NO!!!! I looked at the two of them, was so angry I was seeing red and said to them, “I AM DONE.” And then I walked away fearing that I would take off my shoe and start beating the tiny Mexican woman. Those were the last words I spoke to her for over a week, unless she specifically asked me a question.
BATTLE RESULTS: I won. They knew I was pissed and walked on eggshells around me. When Abby asked for more juice, MIL told her to ask me if it was okay. WE’RE MAKING PROGRESS PEOPLE!!!

The WAR is not over by any means. My anger level is dangerously high even when even telling these stories and I’m learning how do deal with that. I have been growing a spine and really trying to move away from my passive/aggressive tendencies. I’m feeling more confident and am getting so much better at addressing problems as they happen. It is progression. We’re moving forward. I am moving forward. I need to share that.

I AM moving forward.

Agent Orange in My Back Yard

2005-08-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

Ever heard ‘bout a little somethin’ called West Nile Virus? Huh…me either. But for SOME REASON, it would seem that folks ‘round these parts are thunkin’ that we gots to be mighty careful about them pesky ‘skeeters and their viruses.

Hence the airplane sized bottle of OFF® spraying guck all over the surrounding area last night. And it wasn’t so much an airplane sized bottle as it was an airplane flying all over and spraying the Mosquito’s version of Agent Orange all over the county and a little beyond.

And here I thought second-hand smoke was going to kill me!

This supposed “natural” substance is supposed to “naturally” kill off (or let’s say REDUCE) the bad, bad mosquito of the valley. Excuse me while I don’t believe them as I watch this third arm suddenly growing from between my shoulder blades.

I guess they were right about the fast acting part.

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

2005-08-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

While I don't have any pictures (yet) from Kaycee's wedding last night (she looked AMAZING!) I do have a special shout out to the birthday girl who will have her own special day in a matter of weeks.

So Happy, Happy Birthday Sarah Dear...love you bigger than the Beatles.

Move Over Carrie Bradshaw

2005-08-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

I’m on the side of a bus. Several buses, actually. In a new ad campaign for my company. An ad campaign that appeared in local publications.

And sides of buses. (Not quite sure how I feel about the buses.)

Back in April, I was part of a photo shoot for said ad campaign. I tried to figure out a way to post the picture…but since it has my company’s name all over it and since there are actual model-type people that belong to some sort of model union, the lawsuit potential far outweighs my desire to post the picture. I will, however, Photoshop lawsuit bait from the picture and just post yours truly.

Words escape you, I’m sure.

The silly part of the whole story is that I never dreamed of being the only employee to be in this particular ad campaign. The CEO of our company envisioned “some of our own” being part of this process. I wanted to be like NoNo and Sarah and hopped onto the bandwagon and submitted a picture, thinking that it would be a group photo, or something like it.

Not so.

I have yet to see the elusive busses that carry my picture and I must admit that I’m not all that looking forward to seeing it. You see, I have this fear that I will happen upon the picture for the first time, and there will be devil horns or a mustache drawn on my face, much like in the episode of Sex & the City when Carrie (SJP) sees herself on a bus for the first time…with a mustache drawn on.

You can see why the fear is there. Well, you can see what a paranoid freak I am at any rate.

Welcome to My Vacation…Oh Wait, Never Mind…

2005-08-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

Although I didn’t mean to, my vacation was filled with many days of NOT BLOGGING. A crying shame, if you ask me. I had SO MUCH to tell “all” of you…but alas, me coming back to work today to an INSANE task list and co-worker drama, I am forced to briefly recap the vacation. On when I say “vacation” please know that there was not much vacationing to be had. T’was only a break from work. Nothing more. But still, some of the highlights:

Not speaking to my mother in-law because she pissed me off. THAT was fun and only a little bit childish.

Welcoming Alonso’s family from Mexico here who stayed for the week. (They actually fly out today.) I am PLEASED as punch to say that my Spanish took on a life of its own and had FULL conversations with the family. None of those conversations were with my mother in-law.

(*Note: if MIL talked to me, I would answer her…however, I would not engage her in any type of conversation for 2+ days.)

Attending Alonso’s cousin’s wedding (the reason all the family was here) and MELTED, MELTED, MELTED during the outside ceremony with no covering at 11 in the morning. Sat at the same table as MIL during the reception and continued NOT to talk to her. I’m such a bitch. OH WAIT! No I’m not…

There were several family dinners, events, shopping trips, birthday parties, etc to be had and enjoyed by all. I actually took two mornings of running errands and completed a number of tasks in one morning that would have taken me several days during a regular work week. THAT was fabulous.

Starting and finishing Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. There was no crying…though I was caught of guard. Laundry and cleaning (of any kind) have resumed. Well, as much as the pre-HP6 days, anyway.

The-Only-Man-I’ll-Tolerate-In-Spandex won the Tour de France and I CHEERED. I followed the progress during the length of the Tour…and I’m just tickled...yellow.

Transformed into a nurse or whatever and endured nearly two days of Puking Abby. ‘Nuff said.

Began speaking to the MIL…and then stopped again. Dammit! Could she STOP PISSING ME OFF?

Sarah’s bridal shower…Luau style. SO fun…and I was good and only embarrassed Sarah a few times. I think I deserve a gold star for being so nice to her. But MONDO props to Rachel and Jaimee. They deserve seven gold stars for just being so dang awesome. AWESOME I say. OH! And a gold star for my dear mommy for helping out too…even after JUST getting home from a week of Scout Camp. What a trooper.

Lounged in and out of the pool this weekend…trying to mentally prepare myself for returning to work. I’m still working on that. Joined the late night bowling trip with Alonso and his cousins. TONS of fun…but dang, I’m tired.

All in all…a crazy but fun week filled with tons of family time. I came back to craziness at work…but that’s (my) life. Abby is healthy now that I’m back to work…but that’s (my) life. I have to pick up “someone” else’s slack here at work because they’re retarded…but that’s (my) life. I did speak to the MIL this morning (and was pleasant) but make no promises for future conversations. But yes, that is my life.

Listen You Muggles

2005-07-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

This morning, Sarah left a “present” for me on my chair. I’m skeered. For if I venture into this latest installment of a certain wizarding world…life will end as I know it until the last page has been read and the book is closed.

*WARNING: There will be no clean laundry from pages 1 to 652. Dinners are negotiable. Absolutely. No. Clean. Bathrooms.

Ye have been warned.

Show Me The Money!!!!!

2005-07-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

I love it when people make me laugh. Out loud. At the expense of Tom Idiot Cruise.

MY Reasons For Setting Off Metal Detectors

2005-07-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

I’m wearing a binder clip on my pants today. This white-trash approach to keeping my drawstring-waist pants on my body is due to the fact that the drawstring (of my drawstring pants) broke this morning. I’m not going to talk about the weight I’ve put on in the past year or two (even thought that’s the first thought that crossed MY mind) because, folks, it is JUST NOT RELEVANT. How I prefer to think about this is that I just pull too damn hard on that blessed string because I have to cinch them up SO MUCH!

There will be no mocking. None.

“Dad, how can you hate THE COLONEL?”

2005-07-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

I started out this week talking about the crack...or the cracks. Or that Kelly Clarkson is NOT on crack...something like that. I figure this week just wouldn't be complete without once again referencing drugs of the illegal status. Or really, that I think that my powdery, drug look-alike make-up has some sort of addictive chemical. And by addictive chemical I'm not talking about the one that The Colonel puts in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly. No. What I'm talking about is this. I'm addicted to it. I’m not joking.

Months ago, I happened upon an infomercial for this make-up. It was love at first sight, I guess...at any rate, I wanted it. I KNEW I would love it and that it would be a face and make-up match made in cosmetic heaven. But there was a problem. I don't make a habit of buying things from infomercials. I tried it once and just NEVER went back. True, that was for the TurboCooker and I should be punished for that very sin of a purchase...but let's not beat that dead horse again. I did not want to be burned by the infomercial again. Not now. Not like this.

Not too long after my first sight of the love of my make-up life, my friend Dina told me about that new make-up she just started wearing and just RAVED about finally finding a make-up that she loved and that she would use. What do you know...it was the same stuff. Fast forward to a few weeks later you have Dina, Pam and I all wearing (read: addicted) to this lovely new make up that is too cool for school. And to top that off, a few weeks after that, my mom and younger sister jump into the addiction, too.

The epidemic is spreading.

What I’ve finally concluded is that when these lovely people at bare escentuals® say their products are “all natural” I’m thinking they mean in the same way that marijuana is “all natural.” How else can you explain this addiction we have? It is a serious issue, people…a serious issue. The fact that the three of us will go shopping and say “hey, let’s buy this together and split it” and then we’re back at the other’s house “splitting” this powdery (albeit colorful) substance in what looks like a white collar, very suburban drug deal complete with the exchange of money. You know, payment for the goods! I just can’t, in good conscience, keep this to myself any longer.

Next thing you know, I’ll be makin’ phone calls to my peeps beggin’ for a kilo of Glee All Over Face Color.

Kelly Clarkson and the Problem With Crack

2005-07-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

The whole point of summer school for Abby and Michael was to help Abby get acclimated before fall, as Michael will be off to Kindergarten. During that first week, I took my turn shuttling kids to and/or from school. On one of the mornings, Michael proceeded to tell me of the crack in the windshield of his dad’s car. Apparently there had been quite the discussion about windshields and cracks in them that morning…so it was fresh on his brain.

“My dad has a crack in his windshield.”

“He does? Bummer. So do I.”

“You do?”

“Yup! Right there.” (Me pointing it out to the 5 yr old…Abby blissfully ignoring all that we say.)

Once Michael was satisfied that I indeed did have a crack (in my windshield, people) he moved on to other subjects and we rocked out to Radio Disney. Well…there wasn’t a whole lot of “rockin’ out” but we did sing a long. However, several minutes passed and I have completely moved on from the windshield topic. I, now, am thinking about how Kelly Clarkson is the only American Idol who had done much of anything at all…and how she must’ve been burned by some dude with all these angry, girl power songs…and how odd it is that I’m no fan of said American Idol but that I have been known to belt out (and enjoy) good ol’ Kelly’s songs. During this moment of me thinking of stupid things and singing along with my friend Kelly, Michael interrupts my thoughts with:

“My Dad’s crack is bigger than yours.”

And because I will still lost in Kelly Clarkson Land and because I seriously did not expect anything like that to come from Michael’s mouth, I seriously went through several seconds of “what the heck did this kid just say to me????!” before remembering our discussion on windshields. And it was at that moment that I was grateful for being a procrastinator and NOT getting my windshield fixed…because dang it, WHO WOULD WANT TO MISS A MOMENT LIKE THIS!!!

**And I would just like to make it known that I did NOT include the title of yet another Kelly Clarkson song within that last sentence on purpose. I just didn’t.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2005-07-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

Once again, I've become sick of the look of blog. Ironically I also got sick of the look of my hair. Both had to change.

Out with the old...on with the new.

I figured I love lighthouses...the lighthouses can share my blog with me. I also love chunky highlights. Those can share room on my head.

Ironic...

So...here's the new hair...a bit shorter with more highlights. And here's the new blog look. A bit cheesier with more lighthouses.

Trying Not To Blogger-Babble Like An Idiot

2005-07-08T16:20:00.000-07:00

So I’m sitting her trying to forgive myself of my recent (and lengthy) Blogger-Babble. With pictures, no less. I keep NOT writing what’s on my mind because I’m just in so much of a funk. I’m just honestly so tired of it. I keep not writing about the funk because there are many people who read my blog that I see daily/weekly/monthly or I’ll talk to them on the phone and I just do not want to have a conversation about my funk. So here’s the rule: Those who see my regularly (you know who you are) Let me pretend when I see any of you that I do not have funk. Secretly (or not so secretly) you can know about it, I honestly don’t care if you do…I just have to make the rule of NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. I hate talking. There will BE NO TALKING!

But apparently it is all good that I blog about it.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m angry at a few things/issues in my life. I’m angry at myself…angry at other people…angry at situations that have come about. Angry that I always seem to pretend like nothing’s wrong. Angry that I can’t always stick up for myself or what’s important to me. Angry that everyone seems to know what it’s like to live my life when they’ve never done it. Angry at self-centered people and angry that I can be one of those people sometimes. I’m angry that I practically kill myself trying to make “everything” work when it turns out that nothing works. I’m angry that life isn’t fair OR easy. I’m angry that I just can’t make all of this go away.

I am disturbed by the fact that it really doesn’t matter how hard I try and plan, nothing seems to turn out like I wanted. It would seem that there are too many outside factors that get in the way. I feel ashamed for feeling so down in the dumps when there is so much hurt and pain in this world. (This would be the hating being self centered part.)

Focus, JP…and have faith…right? Somehow I knew you would say that…

This Week In Pictures

2005-07-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

Move Over Emeril

Over the weekend, my mother in-law made ceviche...it is amazing. Abby was hell bent on "cooking" and being a part of the action. The problem was that she wanted to taste the raw fish SO badly. We put the fear of...well, raw fish in her and told her to stay clear of it...my MIL told her it was dangerous even. We were able to convince the Abster that slicing strawberries was the next best thing.

However when we tried to encourage the eating of strawberries, she informed us that no, she would not...because they were dangerous.

The good news is she got over that and even was able to help with the ceviche as wanted.

Paige in 'TAH

While I have regular Pitty Parties about not being a part of the "Tah" gang...Paige is having a wonderful time out there. On Monday, the went hiking...to snow:

(I acually have no idea where they are, though.)

And then went four-wheeling all over the place:

I'm still trying not to be jealous of my almost 8 year old. Okay, that's a lie...I'd give my left arm to have her skin, but whatever.

4th of July

Abby, Alonso and I spent a nice 4th with family and then with friends. In our usual fashion, we split our time between the two. Alonso and Abby swam while I "chilled" at Alonso's aunt and uncle's house and then we headed over to my friend Pam's house where I seemed to lazily go from chair to chair to chair...not giving a hoot that I was being such a...lounger? That doesn't seem to be the right word...

I guess I figure I'm kinda "blah" this week...and really, the pictures say it better than I do. And let's be honest...I was the photographer in most of these...that's not saying a whole lot for my blogging abilities. Shame.

I'm Starting Them Early

2005-07-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

My Little Future-Blogger:

Blogger Hates Me...Let's See If This Will Post:

2005-07-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written in ages. It feels like ages. I just worry that if I write there will be much complaining…much “woe is me”…much sighing. Well, at least if there is much sighing, you won’t know. I’ve just felt so “broken” the past couple of weeks. Like all the things I’ve been juggling are now laying at me feet. Like all the things I was sure of, I’m just not so sure anymore.

Then there’s the fact that my entire family is in Utah. (Or as Abby likes to call it: Tah.) Paige made the trek out there with my parents, Jess and her kids, Jaye and Corbin-Baby, and my brothers. Not to mention my Gram and Great-Gram. They’re all out there having a grand ol’ time without me. I am bummed. I am very much “woe is me” about the whole thing. I feel so sad that as of tomorrow, Jess will be on her way back home to Montana….and I missed out on all the fun of Tah and hanging out with my Aunt and her family. Wah wah wah.

Yes…I’m in accounting. June 30th was our fiscal year-end. I would’ve been laughed at if I had even had the audacity to ask for the time off. Of course I didn’t even ask…because I know my job and know my responsibilities. Of course if “someone” asks me another lame-ass question, I may have to get all Kung-Foo on his ass.

There have been good parts of this week, though. I cashed in on concert tickets owed to me by one of the local radio stations and now officially have Green Day tickets for September. Sure I was expecting to have tickets for the show IN MY OWN TOWN…but have now figured the two hour drive away will give me the excuse to make Alonso take me away for the weekend….maybe. I also might convince Alice to join us for dinner…and that just will make the whole thing fabulous.

I’ve also had a lot of fun this week with Abby. She misses her sister…but that girl has enjoyed having her parents to herself. Once I get a spare minute, I’ll have to post the pictures of her “cooking” and of 4th of July…she’s hilarious.

Oddly enough, though…what I’m most looking forward to is my hair appointment tonight. Sarah and I will drive out there together…which will just be what the doctor ordered. Well…that and having someone “play” with my hair for a couple hours just makes this whole week bearable.

Day 2

2005-06-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

This morning Abby gave me so many hugs and kisses while I was getting her ready for school. This morning Abby was so helpful in our morning routine and even took a bath without too much resistance. This morning Abby looked SO CUTE carrying her backpack and her lunch box with her snack as she walked out the door. This morning Mary drove Abby and Michael to preschool and I drove straight to work.

This morning I'm still wondering why I'm so sad that she's so grown up.

5 Generation Continued...

2005-06-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

So...I had to get "permission" to post the most recent 5 generation picture. Just so I didn't piss anyone's husbands off. ;)

Here is the latest and greatest...aren't we cool???

The Second Post Where You're Sorry I've Now Learned How To Post Pictures

2005-06-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Up until recently, I’ve felt very comfortable with my age and where I was in life. Sure, there are goals I haven’t accomplished yet and there are aspects of my life I thought would be different…but I was content with the timeline of my life for the most part. There have been a couple of things in the past week that have made me take a hard look at where I am in life. My confidence had been shaken and I questioned much…but I knew what I had to do and am working toward that.

And then Abby had to get all big and all and start preschool today. The little troll.

I made the decision months ago that Abby would do two sessions of preschool this summer before starting officially in the fall to make her transition a bit easier. What I did not realize was how hard it would for me to make that transition and let her be “grown” today on her first day of school.

I know it sounds lame…but this is my BABY…the caboose of our family. I am not having any more kids and Abby has grown up so fast. She was grown when she was born, practically. But I think the fact that she’s actually in school now really pushed me over the edge. I cried half the way back to the office…with no tissues in the car!!

I’m such a boob.

I just feel like with the three years of her life that has already passed, I’m going to blink my eyes and she’ll be leaving for college. And then I’ll blink again and she’ll be married. My little Monkey-Child…all growed up. I’m all emotional about it, damn it!

So, Happy First Day of School, Abby…slow down on the growing up, would ya?

We Are Family

2005-06-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Jess and I were pregnant at the same time with our first children. Maddie was born in March...Paige in August. Not only did this bring the first and second grandchild to my parents, it also brought our family to have 5 generations.

Gram J begat Gram K who begat Jim who begat JP, who begat Paige and Abby. There is much begatting.

I love that my children will have memories of their Great Grandma K (who was THE grandmother, I'll have you know) and their Great-Great Grandma J (who is just as cool.) Not many people can show your their five generation picture...well, except for Jess...and Jaye...yeah, and my cousin Stacy. But whatever...it's still wicked cool.

*I would also like to point out that Blogger is wicked cool for making it easier to post pictures for the complete IDIOTS like myself who couldn't get it to work before.

Props to Blogger. Amen.

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

2005-06-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

There must be a special place in hell for people that volunteer their co-workers to play in a company sponsored Softball game. Now if I could only figure out who done it…and I continue to wonder if Jess will kill me for roping her into playing too. It IS for charity and I DO get a shirt out the deal, but folks, I really have no athletic ability whatsoever.

You must be shocked.

I haven’t swung a bat in years…I’ve only played catch with my dad once in the past 10 years, or so…and I run like a girl.

Tomorrow I will be “taking one for the team.” Literally.

Seriously...

2005-06-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

is he on the crack?

The Big Green Ugly Monsters

2005-06-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

Today Alonso and I got in a fight about money. The funny thing is that the fight turned out to not be about money at all. The fight turned into a frustrated mess of “other” things that had been lurking under the surface. I think that when you have the crazy life that Alonso and I do, there is this big ugly monster called Resentment that can sneak into your marriage, if you’re not careful.

It would appear that we have not been being careful.

Mr. Resentment showed up this morning during the “discussion” of money and scheduling issues. Mr. R also brought along Mr. Guilt, Ms. Stressed and Mr. & Mrs. Just-Plain-Tired. They didn’t help in the LEAST. Alonso and I just didn’t have the energy to battle this group of tyrants…we were just so darn frustrated at the whole situation.

I wish that I could report that everything is resolved and rosy and wonderful. That is what is hard about being married, having kids and a crazy life. Time does not stand still so that you can resolve an issue before running out the door to work, or school or driving Paige to Soccer Camp or running a couple of errands, etc. (Yes, that is an example of this morning.) Time still keeps on moving and any issues to be dealt with are still being dealt with…and probably won’t get resolved until tonight when we’re home. But that is after swim lessons, last minute appointments and a full day of work. But don’t forget the evening routine of dinner, baths, activities, etc. Don’t forget that there is still a load (or three) of laundry needing to be folded that won’t fold itself. Don’t forget that Abby pulled all her clothes out of her dresser and they need to be put back. (Might as well take out the few winter clothes still hanging around…I don’t THINK it’s going to act like winter any more this June.) Not to mention the toys, books and markers she pulled out too….the little Troll.

When midnight rolls around and I am finally climbing into bed, barely able to keep my eyes open (Mr. & Mrs. Just-Plain-Tired are BRUTAL) Mr. Guilt creeps over and makes me feel bad about the times I was frustrated with my children and my husband…about all the times I didn’t stop to play with my kids because I had to finish “just one more thing” before I could stop. He makes me think about all the time and energy I put into my job so that I can support my family only to be tired and cranky when I get home sometimes. Mr. Guilt makes me feel like such a witch that I ever allowed Mr. Resentment into my home.

But as I write this is hits me. I’m allowing that group of tyrants to plague my life making no room for what’s really important. I am constantly battling them, when they shouldn’t even be there in the first place. I realize that what is most important in my life is missing because He’s not going to compete with tyrants…or with me.

I Should Just Get Used to Everything Being My Fault

2005-06-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Paige came up to me yesterday (amid the chaos of getting dinner on the table for our Father’s Day Feast) and blamed ME for breaking one of her softball trophies. True, I was the one to put the dang trophy on her shelf in her closet and I was also the one to put her “suitcase” of doll stuff next to it…but I never expected to be blamed when SHE pulled the suitcase down (without asking for help) and knocked her trophy off the shelf where it BROKE.

So as I’m trying to get dinner on the table for my 20 DINNER GUESTS and my first born blames me for breaking her trophy, it is no wonder that I looked her straight in the eye and said, “Paige. Please walk away from me right now. JUST. WALK. AWAY.”

A Little Off-Kilter

2005-06-16T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for Post-It notes. There is a love for Post-Its that just can’t be described or duplicated. The wonder that is the Post-It allows me to write a note, or phone number or instructions and STICK IT to any surface of my choosing. Be that surface my computer screen, a page in my planner, my children’s forehead, my desk or even the wall, they save me from my own bad memory.

This morning I went to the store for a picture frame for Paige’s teacher’s end of the school year gift. On my way to the check-out line, I happened to walk down the office supply aisle and the beauty of the 2x2” fluorescent cube of Post-Its caught my eye. You would be correct to assume that I bought those suckers as I just have never seen that size. (I am a slave to marketing…what can I say?) When I opened the package at work, I realized that what I had purchased was NOT the Post-Its I love and adore.

My first thought was “What the hell are Z-Notes?!” The second being “How the hell did I let this happen?”

Everything is NOT right with the world. It is RAINING here (it’s JUNE 16, Mother Nature!!!) and I bought Post-It wannabe’s willingly, albeit unknowingly!!!

I need a V-8….or a milkshake. Whatever.

The Extremely LONG Post Where Someone Winds Up With Stitches

2005-06-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

I fully expected this last weekend to be crazy. But the craziness that ensued was more than I had bargained for. It was filled to the brim with various activities with a few minor setbacks for us to deal with.

And by minor, I mean AN EMERGENCY ROOM VISIT AND SIX STITCHES.

This weekend marked the end of softball season for Paige. Their team has been undefeated (until Thursday’s game) and was the #1 team heading into the Championship Game for their division. Early Saturday morning, Paige and her team of Orange Tigers (original, I know) played an extremely intense game. My in-laws were there, Jess and the kids were there, plus some friends of the family joined us as well. When the last inning came around, our team was only up by one point. Something that could change in an instant. I honestly thought Alonso was going to have a heart attack. I knew that he would be devastated if the girls didn’t win.

Yes, I said ALONSO would be devastated…NOT PAIGE.

In a valiant effort by the Orange Tigers (and our kick-ass, seven-year old pitcher) Alonso’s life was spared as they kept their 4-3 lead and won the game AND the championship! It was exciting for all…except for Abby who was SO DONE with any and all softball hoopla. Well, that is until they brought out the jumpy houses. All was right with the world at that point.

Once the closing ceremony festivities had come to an end…for our family, Abby and I headed home to where we would prepare for our dinner guests: Paige’s teacher and her husband. While MIL and I are in the kitchen preparing food, Alonso RUSHES in from working out on the lawn looking like he’s holding something in his hand yelling at us to move out of the way as he heads to the sink. What he’s holding is his FINGER THAT HAS A HUGE CHUNK NEARLY TAKEN OFF OF IT!

Now, at this point I’m scared that something went completely wrong with the lawn mower and his wound is worse than I can see at that point.

Not so.

True, his wound was worse than I originally thought…but the injury did not stem from a battle with the lawn mower. Moreover, the lawn mower had been put away and wasn’t even around to get blamed. To be perfectly honest (at my husband’s expense) it was during the sweeping of the lawn clippings off the driveway that started all the trouble. For in “mid-sweep” the aluminum handled broom broke in half and basically “bit” his hand as it broke.

Needless to say, we headed to the hospital to spend four hours in the Emergency Room and ended up with the six stitches on his left ring finger. Pissed as all hell (since he can’t play guitar for 10 days, he was bit by a broom, etc.) Alonso says to me, “It’s a good thing those girls won the championship today…otherwise this entire day would’ve SUCKED.”

Fashion Forward or Just a Batman Wannabe?

2005-06-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

Today I am wearing a black sweater tied around my shoulders. I thought it was cute...professional, preppy and trendy, MAYBE. I thought it was a good choice to go with my black slacks and pistachio colored top. I actually felt good about what I was wearing.

Yeah...my co-worker just walked over and yelled: "Hey! JP's wearing a cape!"

Good Idea/Bad Idea (Starring: Abby)

2005-06-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

Good Idea:

Hanging out with mom in the morning while she gets ready. Make-up is being applied, good times are had by all, it's a mommy and Abby moment.

Bad Idea:

Blow on my fairly expensive, powder like make up and make it go all over just because you like to see it up in the air.

I will remember this when you want to drive my car to the mall, Kid.

My Favorite Thing Overheard While Hanging Out With My Family Last Weekend:

2005-06-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

(Jaye to Jamesson:)

"Simmer down, Band Geek!"

A Few Things You Just Might Not Know About Me

2005-06-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

I have a marquee cut engagement/wedding ring because the sales person told Hubby that it was the “football shaped” diamond. I had no preference to the shape of the diamond, just the style of the setting. Both of us won.

I LOVE cheesy movie classics and musicals. LOVE THEM. However, I also LOVE many action flicks and “shoot ‘em up” movies. I’m a well-rounded gal. (In more ways than one, lately.)

I become easily bored with my Blog “LOOK” and constantly want to change it. After all the time and effort I spent on the current look and actually learning some of that html crap…it’s just not “doing it” for me anymore. It’s back to the drawing-I mean BLOGGING board.

I am a not so secret Star Wars GEEK and can quote the original three movies incessantly. I haven’t had the chance to see Episode Three yet…but that’s only because my crazy life gets in the way.

I have Padme Amidalla, R2-D2, Princess Leia, Obi-Wan and Boba Fett sitting on my computer monitor at work. How juvenile is that??? (Don’t answer that.)

I am an accountant. Have I ever mentioned that? I’m not a geeky accountant by any means. We actually have to coolest accounting department ever here at my company. Well, we just do.

I am a closet Sex & the City watcher and watch the TBS modified re-runs weekly, if possible. I say “closet” watcher because it’s just so cliché that an almost 30 year old would be addicted to that show. But it drives my husband crazy…and that’s reason enough to watch it right there.

I nearly got a boss of mine fired. Not for anything that I did wrong, but for standing up for me and my co-worker (who I adore) because she was going to quit because of said boss. The boss was “reassigned” and now all is well. I think. I mean, she doesn't speak to us and our tires were "mysteriously" slashed but I think we are making huge progress.

My husband does not really know about all that I write on my blog. He knows I have one, but just hasn’t had the chance to really “focus” on my blog. Weird, huh? Does this mean we’re not a good married couple?

I’m sick of calling my husband “Hubby.” It’s just so flippin’ cheesy. His name is Alonso. Take THAT internet.

Rebecca and my parents have the same first names. Both of them. And our mom’s names are not really all that common. Isn’t that funny?

I want a tattoo and a boob job. Okay, the latter of the two is no big secret, and I doubt I’ll ever get either…but they’re both in the back of my mind for future reference. If anyone should want to donate to the Bad-Ass JP Campaign…I'm working on ways to make it tax deductible

I’m not Super-Mom Very Often…So When I Am, I Blog About It

2005-06-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a little pat on the back for yourself if just what the doctor (read: psychiatrist or therapist) ordered. My daily routine is in constant, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants motion with barely enough time to breath. I use a planner to keep track of the insanity and let’s be honest, if it’s not written down it never happened or is never going to happen. Nearly every day my task list exceeds the allotted amount of lines for my daily pages. Throw in Paige and Hubby’s schedule to keep track of and each daily page looks like an ink war of sorts. This is just my reality. Today is no exception to the pure chaos rule. I just have to take a moment to point out how kick-ass I was today.

My short-comings are many…let me have my moment of mommy kicking-ass glory.

Today I needed to be in 3 places at once…and all on my lunch hour. I had a pre-school “graduation” for one of my nearest and dearest, a student talent show for Paige and I also had to go to the bank for Hubby.

I made it on perfect time for ALL THREE. I even checked Paige out of school as soon as she had performed (her and her friend doing a dance routing to “Kids in America”…priceless) and then took her home. I must admit it was a bit more than an actual lunch hour…okay, okay…it was and hour and a half! BUT STILL. I made it to all three destinations and have pictures and video to prove it.

Well, no pictures of the bank…but I have the extra special bank slip to prove that one.

My Not-So-Super Powers

2005-06-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

I think I may be having a hard time letting go of my “position” in Sarah’s life now that Dustin is, you know, gonna be the husband and all. (Even if she did gaze at the top of my head this morning at my desk and pointed out how many gray hairs I have.) Best friend of 20 years IS amazing and wonderful and special…but a girl just can’t compete with the husband to be.

Unless you are JP and then all bets are off.

Yesterday, while getting into the front passenger seat of Sarah’s car (and moving all the crap out of my way) I complained about the things that were on MY seat. To which Sarah replied, “Dustin, I’m sure, would differ with that point of view of it being YOUR seat.”

Bring it on, Nancy.

So today, as Sarah is on the phone with Dustin and is informing him of me challenging his ownership to the front seat, it is clear that I have my work cut out for me. But I can take it. The battle has begun.

“Be careful, JP…he has cat-like reflexes.” Says Sarah

“It is Dustin that should be careful as I have secret weapons!”

“JP, your boobs are not exactly secret weapons.”

“Sarah, I beg to differ. My boobs are QUITE the secret…they’re even a secret from me!!!”

Let the Wookie Win

2005-06-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

If you take up so much of my time all week (asking me questions that you’ve already asked SO MANY times since I began training you) and when I tell you I’ll be a little late getting something BACK to you and you tell me I owe you a free coffee if I miss the deadline? I MAY spit on you.

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To

2005-06-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

So unless you’ve been living under a blogger’s rock, you all know that Sarah Marinara is getting married.

And you are all invited.

Okay, maybe not all of you…but I could just picture Sarah reading this post and falling of her chair…and then throwing something my way. Something heavy…full of force…aimed straight for my head. She’ll be careful to not kill me though as I not only am her Maid of Honor, I am also her (self-appointed) Wedding Coordinator.

I have ½ very supportive and very giving reasons why I would appoint myself to help plan her wedding and the other ½ very selfish reasons for accepting (okay, taking) the job. The good reasons are that I love Sarah dearly and have for 20+ years. It is my duty to see that she has a magical wedding. The selfish reasons all center around the fact that I did not have a magical wedding and really, I planned very little of it. And while this post is not the time to list every dramatic detail of my wedding (which include sour mother in-law, in-laws almost not attending, sour mother-in law, etc) the mention of the drama had to commence. If only for the reason to explain why I carry around a clip board, a headset, several copies of BRIDE magazine and why I’ve made Sarah cry on more than one occasion.

Let’s face it, I’m no Jennifer Lopez. (From "The Wedding Planner", that is. Although, in real life J Lo has planned a wedding or...six.)

But let’s also face the fact the my clip board is really my kick-ass Franklin Planner. My headset? Just my regular old cell phone. Instead of BRIDE mags, I’ve surfed so many wedding websites it’s scary. And, unless she’s lying, the making of Sarah cry was only due to the fact that she was so grateful and relieved that I was helping.

I just hope she’s still grateful when the Miss Bossy-Pants JP shows up…JP Bossy Pants can be SCARY.

Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' just escape your lips?

2005-06-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided that I’m on of the most self-concious people I know. Now…having said that it would appear that I’m also the most self-centered people I know.

Man, I hope not.

All of my life I have put pressure on myself to be the best I can be with a certain level of perfectionism thrown in there. My semi-demented motto is: “If I can’t do it perfect, I’m not gonna do it at all!” It’s a sickness…it’s annoying…and I think I must bug the living hell out of my nearest and dearest.

Last Saturday, I had the RARE trip to the mall BY MYSELF and I gave Miss Marinara a jingle to see if she wanted to join me. Not only is she a blast to hang around…I had selfish motives in that I needed someone to shop with. NEEDED someone to tell me that what I was picking out was actually okay for me to wear. NEEDED someone to even help me pick out clothes to even try on. NEEDED someone to actually walk into Forever21 with me because I just do not seem to belong in that store but had a gift card to spend. I MADE Sarah go into the dressing room with me because I JUST COULD NOT HANDLE THE PRESSURE!!! And then I made her go to Old Navy with me, too! I just could not manage the responsibility of actually picking out my own clothes.

Does this make me co-dependent? Helpless? A fashion misfit? Do I fit into my own special category because I am THAT self-centered???

Although, truth be told, I'm sure I was imensely entertaining for Sarah to watch me trying to figure out how to even put some of those darn tops on. I nearly choked myself to death. Twice. With the same shirt.

God Bless America

2005-05-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

I was away from a computer all weekend, but decided that it was better to post this late rather than never. In honor of Memorial Day, I wanted to list some freedoms that I enjoy on a daily basis thanks to this beautiful (yet wacky) country we live in and the armed forces that have protected all of us and these freedoms.

Freedoms I enjoy and can’t live without:

I can worship and believe in the religion I choose. I can openly have my faith in God without the fear of being tortured or killed.

I married the man of my choosing and could decide how many children we would have together.

As I have two little girls, I’m so grateful that there isn’t a government, hoping for more boys, applying pressures to my family to abandon those beautiful little girls in hopes that the next time I conceive it will be a boy. Words cannot express the thankfulness in my heart that my daughters won’t be forced from abandonment to prostitution at an age as early as six.

I don’t have to cover my face when I walk out of the house. I can look a man in his eye and tell him to eat dirt if he’s being an ass without fearing for my life or fearing a severe beating.

I can vote in any election and do so proudly with much patriotism. No matter what people say, my vote does matter. One person CAN make a difference.

I can have my own opinions. I am free to make my own choices and learn for myself what is right or what is wrong. I have NO ONE telling me what to believe or say and do. Least of all, my government.

I have hope for better things in life. I have the opportunity to change that which does not appeal to me. I am not oppressed to a live of demeaning routines.

I am educated and have every opportunity to further that education. It is not wrong for me, as a woman, to have thoughts and opinions and learn us much as I want.

I am so grateful that when I walk the streets of my home town with my family, I live with constant dread that the gunfire I hear in the distance will close in on me and my family. While crime is a terrible reality, constant wartime is not.

I own my own car and can use it at my disposal/as my budget may allow.

I can listen to any radio channel and watch any TV channel of my liking. I have hundreds of choices and my government doesn’t own the networks and what is shown.

I can blog openly about my feelings and beliefs and my government honors my freedom of speech.

I’m grateful that because I live in a country where (most) people believe in these freedoms that much is done to preserve these freedoms. It is because of said preservations that none of us speak German today, that we can walk our streets freely, that we can have the rights to choose, that we are not held politically captive by any one individual that can rule and dictate our every actions.

I love this country and the freedoms we all enjoy everyday. I’m so grateful for those that have fought to preserve these freedoms. Those like my grandfather who fought bravely during WWII and then liberated concentration camps after. I am so proud to honor those men and women.

Happy Memorial Day!

Maybe She’s Born With It…Maybe It’s Mabeline?

2005-05-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

For my birthday last month, Sarah’s present to me was a sweet haircut and “chunky” highlights. I love it. It is totally me. It’s the haircut I should’ve always had. Funny, though…that the past two days I’ve gotten so many compliments on my hair. However, the past two days have also been days that I’ve worn lipstick, which I don’t normally wear. This turn in event poses a few questions:

1. Do I normally look like crap?
2. Does lipstick complete my look and therefore makes my hair look great/better?
3. Do I normally look like crap?
4. Does my hair like the warmer weather we’ve been having?
5. Have I been blow-drying my hair differently?
6. Do I normally look like crap??

Maybe I don’t want to know some of those answers. I don’t consider myself overly vain, but I do have this unhealthy fear of looking like a freak. But that probably goes back to my complete lack of style as a youngster and the fear of regression I have now more than anything else.

So…I know I wasn’t born with “it”…but could “IT” actually be THE LIPSTICK???

All Grow'd Up

2005-05-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

I know I’m a “younger” mom by today’s standards…but my kids just made me feel like I was the child and they were grown.

On the way home from school, Michael (my friend’s son who’s also part of our two-kid carpool) kept pushing on my seat with his feet. This is one of my pet-peeves. I am tall. I have unusually long legs. My seat sits all the way back. Kids LOVE to push on my seat. I HATE to feel their feet in my back. After explaining to Michael how because I’m tall, my seat sits so far back and how it’s uncomfortable for me to have feet pushing on my back, he asks how old I am. (Not sure how this ties it all together…but he’s five, there are still so many mysteries.)

Paige says, “Michael, she’s 26-no wait! She’s 27! I swear, she was JUST 26 and then, like, it feels like a week has past and now she’s 27!”

And here I was worried about her growing up too fast…

Not a Girl...Not Yet a Woman

2005-05-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

It was all new to me. As we maneuvered our way around the parking lot, I was a bit apprehensive of what and how it would all happen. I couldn’t help the twinge of excitement. Everyone always talks about how great it is but how it’s not what you expect at all. Would my first time be amazing or mediocre? I had high expectations with all the talk people do. Was I setting myself up for disappointment? Finally we parked, and it was time. I took off my seatbelt and both of us knew what would happen next…we got out of the car and walked towards the department store KOHLS.

“I love the KOHLS”
“I’ve never been to KOHLS.”
“Really?”
“Nope.”
“You mean, you’re a KOHLS virgin?”
“Indeed I am.”
"So basically, I'm popping your KOHLS cherry?"

It was not as I expected. But maybe I didn’t know what to expect so all of it could’ve been a surprise. It was new territory for me. I found it liberating. The Flip-Flop section was a bit awkward. I just couldn’t make it work for me. I don’t normally wear the flip-flops, so I honestly was glad to be done with that part. But the purse section. OH THE PURSE SECTION! I was giddy. I was more than giddy. We even talked about matching wallets since both of ours were STOLEN! It was magical…and they were HOT PINK, no less! HOT PINK! The euphoria I felt just could not be described. I couldn’t imagine this experience could get any more wonderful! But oh, the surprises that awaited me when we moved on to the CLOTHES! The embroidered skirts. The cropped work pants. The poncho that makes ponchos OKAY! I was with an experienced KOHLS shopper…and oh, how that worked in my favor! The dampening moment came when I remembered that I had no wallet, no money…no credit card to BUY THE GOODNESS AND PLEASURE that is PURSES and CLOTHES…and FLIP-FLOPS, if you’re Sarah! Those bastards that stole my purse CHEAPENED MY FIRST TIME!

As Sarah and I left, the door gave me one more wound to the amazing first time I was to have…

“Thanks for letting the door slam in my face!”
“JP, you should be used to this. I got what I wanted and now I'm just gonna roll off you and go to sleep."

Only Because NOW, IT IS FUNNY!!

2005-04-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this grumpy thing even though the day DID get a bit better once I got home. My friend Mary and my MIL (funny, huh?) made the day bearable. My husband actually didn't really have anything planned but we did end up going out to dinner. I've decided that I'm "celebrating" by birthday on Tuesday. However, the actual day of my birth really did stink...but thank heavens that now it is FUNNY. Which is why I post this:

27 years ago today, I joined the small family of three and made it a family of four. Today has not been the most fun I’ve ever had. I would be annoyed with today even if it hadn’t been my birthday…but it is my birthday and that alone makes it THAT MUCH MORE ANNOYING! It started off with a project I’ve been working on going absolutely haywire. Not because I didn’t have it together…but because an outside company basically thwarted all my plans. This is a project I’m in charge of. I’m sure that my superiors understand that the problems were completely out of my control…but it still makes for a frustrating morning…and complicate the back to back meetings I had before lunch. So…because I feel the need to share pretty much everything with the Internet…here’s how my day continued:

Excerpt from an e-mail to Sarah:

I was seriously about to fall apart if Pam hadn't just come over andsave me from it...Even though people don't have mal intent...sometimes you just feellike why bother?!

Hardly anyone showed up for cake
I cut HUGE pieces 'cause no one was there... (*b-days are usually a big deal in our department.)

Wanted to give some to RR, GM and MI, who were in a meeting...well, ML and EH were there, too. I ended up CUTTING MY PIECE IN 1/2 SO THERE WOULD BE ENOUGH...FOR EH!!!! (**Side note: EH is NOT my favorite person…the other people I adore.)

Everything keeps "NOT WORKING" today...especially with our upgrade

My husband has planned NOTHING for tonight (of course, that I know of)

I had planned on leaving early...but now I'm leaving early to pick Paige up and do the "mom thing" instead of enjoying myself (for only an hour…but still)
Seriously...on the verge of tears...and I feel RIDICULOUS. It is JUSTmy birthday!!

So after all that, Sarah brings me a bouquet of balloons and tells me to read the card that says:

“Wish I could be there…Jess”

So here I am, at my completely decorated desk…on my birthday…weeping openly because of my annoying birthday and missing my sister so much.

Oh, did I mention that my parents are in Canada and not here for my birthday too???

I feel like I am turning 10 and not 27. I miss my mom and dad. I miss my sister. I got totally punk’d with my own birthday cake and no one showing up for the “event.” My husband is acting like it’s just another day. My kids didn’t even wish me a happy birthday this morning. And now I feel like a total whiner…

I’m hoping that Day 2 of being 27 is better…

2005-04-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'm happy (?) to report that my site (as well as Jess', Suzie's, Carly's and others) has been blocked here at my office from viewing. Not only has it been blocked, but it has been blocked AS PORN.

So, not only is my site taking a turn at being classified as PORN (like I gave Sarah such a hard time about when it happened to her site) but I am INTRIGUED that all of the above is blocked as PORN and yet Dooce and Kaycee have escaped the radar of the Porn-Meter. I'm not saying that those sites SHOULD BE classified as PORN. Not in the least. However, those two sites (THAT I LOVE AND WHO I AM NOT PICKING ON) mention topics (or pictures of cleavage...whatever) that, you would think, be tracked on the Porn-Meter before my nice posts about my sister...or my kids...and about snowflakes and kittens and butterflies like you find on my post.

It is truly a conspiracy.

What is also a conspiracy is my Mother in-law. Okay, so maybe she’s not an actual CONSPIRACY as she is conspiring against me. Both are equally horrifying on the most stressful week I’ve had in a LONG time.

What I haven’t shared with you, Internet, is this: Tomorrow Abby will be baptized (in the Catholic church) and yes, she just turned three years old. Say what you will about how old she is…or about the baptism in general, but it is important to my husband, and so here we go. What I’m also going to tell you, Internet, is that it is even MORE important to my MIL who is all about tradition and all about telling me how everything that is wrong with my child is because she’s not baptized.

But let’s not travel down that road today.

What I don’t have to tell you, Internet, is that this is not my tradition or even my idea. I am happy to make this all happen because it is so important to Hubby (not because it’s important to MIL) but it really isn’t my deal and I don’t know a whole lot about it. I know the basics…but that’s pretty much it. I’ve been MORE than accomidating and have worked my tail off to make things happen. Oh, and have I not told you about how we’re celebrating the baptism and the third birthday at the same time? You’re right, Internet…I’m totally askin’ for it.

You know, someday I will go into how my MIL critized the bookmarks I made for the baptism favors that I thought were fairly wonderful. Or someday I’ll go into how the translation I did of the “verbage” on the bookmarks just did not cut it and the scripture I included wasn’t translated correctly, even though Hubby says they’re totally fine and cool. Someday I’ll go into the fact that MIL looked at these bookmarks BEFORE I printed them out and had nothing to say about them until AFTER they were all printed, cut out, punches, and ribbons tied on them.

But I won’t do that today.

I won’t do that today because now that I’ve had one of the most stressful weeks, I’ve had an even more stressful day here at work and now I have to go home and finish all of this prep work and (I’m sure) be criticized for everything I’m not doing or that I’m not doing up to code.

What I will tell you is that I COULD NOT have made it through this week without Abby’s Godmother, Mary, and her Fairy Godmother, Sarah Marinara. Could that child get any luckier? Not with the most BEAUTIFUL baptism dress I have ever seen…for a three year old and with the Dora Jumpy House that will be set up first thing tomorrow morning. Those last two items tip the scales all the way over.

Have a wonderful weekend, Internet. Be thinking of me tomorrow as I muster my way through the day and use every ounce of restraint not to toss my dearest MIL into the fresh concrete in our backyard and hold her down so that she’ll STICK.

What You Can Learn From the Side of Your Starbuck's Cup

2005-04-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

The secret of attraction is to love yourself.
Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others.
They are open to gestures of love.
They think about love, and express their love in every action.
They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.

--Deepak Chopra
Author of the Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire and other spiritual guides

The View From My Desk

2005-04-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

I just saw a Red-Tailed Hawk swoop outside my window at work, over the river. Amazingly beautiful and it reminded me of car trips where my dad would point out each Hawk (or other noteworthy bird or animal) as we drove by. In all those trips in the car, I have never seen one so close...one with it's wing span at full length...right outside my window...SITTING AT MY DESK.

Man, I will miss this view when it's time for me to "move on" or if we move to a different office building. But I'm so glad I was here to see it...and yes, I really am working.

Happy, Happy Birthday!

2005-04-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted since I changed the look here at jpandthemegabeast. If when I publish this post and the blogging world comes crashing down because I really know NOTHING about the html coding I did, you all will completely understand why.

Truth be told, I’ve been trying to write this post for over a week. Back in November, for Jess’ birthday, I wrote about how close I am with both of my sisters and I highlighted Jess in honor of her birthday. (By the way, turning 30 and then moving to Montana four months later…she’s earned some sort of award.) Last Sunday was my sister, Jaye’s (Julia) birthday. I almost always forget how old I am, but I’m fairly certain that she turned 24, which I think is Cameron’s favorite number…hmmm.

Anyway, even though I’m a week after (instead of a day after) I just couldn’t let another day past without sharing with you how wonderful my younger sister is too. I am blessed with two very wonderful and amazing sisters. As I’ve said before, we are so different but those differences are so much fun now that we’re older. As opposed to when we severely disliked each other when we were younger…but that’s for a different post for a different time.

Jaye has always been known as the fun sister…the silly sister. (Jess, you’re still fun…really.) Her quick wit and humor can leave me in STITCHES and our IM conversations are just classic. (I’d share them with you but you just wouldn’t get our humor…that’s just how it goes.) In one of our “classic” IM conversations, we realized that we were just too interesting and clever and that we really should have some sort of a talk show…and that we would totally watch us if we had our own show…like Regis and Kelly! I was the nice sister and gave Jaye the nickname Kelly…somehow I ended up as Regis. But let’s not get hung up about the names….

Kelly, I mean Jaye keeps me young. I don’t know how she does it, but when I’m with her, I go from serious to silly in seconds flat. She can make me act like the BIGGEST moron inside a Target or Wal-Mart and laugh harder than I have in a long time…while we speak in British accents. See? Silly…just plain silly.

But I can also tell you that she has a heart of gold, even though she hates to show any kind of weakness. She is the sweetest little mommy of that little baby Corbin….even though we tease her about being way overprotective. That little boy (okay, he weighs nearly as much as Abby) is so well taken care of and loved by his mommy so much it just touches my heart. (He’s so full of squishy goodness, it’s hard NOT to love him…but whatever.) I love that I am such good friends with both of my sisters. I love that we can tell each other anything and that we can have so much fun together. I just love to have such beautiful sisters who mean the absolute world to me.

Happy Belated Birthday, Jaye. Love you TONS!

Banana Blues

2005-04-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

While driving past the local city college today, I saw a young man walking to campus. At first glance, I thought this guy was be-bopping to music he must've been listening to but I soon learned that this was not the case.

Not only was this poor soul talking to himself (with much expression) but every few seconds he would "shoot" the banana he was holding in he left hand and make a face that could only be described as an evil grimace.

#1: Wondering if the banana was in trouble or someone else
and
#2: At least I'm not THAT crazy
and
#3: Please Lord, let the most dangerous thing he possesses be a banana

This Just In: I AM NOT PERFECT!

2005-03-28T12:04:00.000-08:00

Suzie Petunia wrote a fabulous post about the pressure to keep up with the Jones’ and thinking people will judge us for our imperfections. I’m learning to embrace my imperfections…and am learning to be okay with the other ones that I haven’t embraced quite yet. It’s such an interesting balance to be comfortable with who you are and yet still trying to be a better person, mom, wife, etc. So in honor of embracing who we are…here are some of my many imperfections that are fun to blog about:

*I Am Not Active in the Mormon Church. I do go to church, just not that one. (That’s a HUGE strike against me in many peoples’ eyes. I’ve stopped wondering what those people think of me…it just takes up too much of my happy place.)

*I often sit and read blogs when I really should be doing something else(At work or at home…it really doesn’t matter.)

*I love Hillary Duff and will listen to her CD even when my children aren’t around. I don’t know if that really contributes to my lack of perfect-ness…but it is something that I felt I should confess. (Yes, Sarah…I just came out of the Hillary Duff listening closet.)

*I will WAIT (yes, I said WAIT) to change a dirty diaper because I know she’s NOT DONE YET!(Diapers are expensive, People!)

*I spend money without even realizing that I do it. It’s like I go into a trance and will hand over the check card and not look back. If it weren’t for my husband, I would probably be broke. That is so sad…

*I forget Picture Day, field trips, and other special school events unless it is STAPLED to my forehead, left hand or my computer screen. I also use a planner but I sometimes forget to even open it when I get home from work.

*Which brings me to another point: I have two children and I work FULL-TIME and let my MIL watch my children!! It’s a wonder CPS doesn’t take my children away seeing that I'm such a horrible mother!

*I am an emotional eater…mostly when I am stressed. You wanna see what a stressful year does to me? Wait…no, you really don’t want to see all that extra weight I gained last year.

*I have a HORRIBLE memory (as mentioned in forgetting picture day, etc…but that was more a plug for me and my bad parenting.) YOU HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE!

*I often say things without thinking. I don’t intentionally “spill the beans” or say stupid things in a crowd of people…I JUST HAVE THE TALENT OF DOING SO! (Note: I do keep the secrets that are really important. I must have disfunctional filter that only keeps the big stuff in.)

*I am addicted to caffeine! The Starbuck’s people LOVE me…it’s kinda like Cheers where everybody knows my name. (I have been much better and not going so much, though.)

*I say crazy things about some of my co-workers and don’t really feel bad about it because they have a magical way of irritating me sometimes. I really do like them, they just have some mental issues that need to be worked on.

*I am SUCH a procrastinator and always think I have more time than I do. I also have a hard time staying focused sometimes on what I’m doing. Hence the blogging when I should be working. Whatever…

Not So Good Friday

2005-03-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if any of you have noticed by now that I’m not Catholic. Really. I’m not. Not that there is anything wrong at all about being Catholic, I’m just not. I didn’t grow up with the traditions or rules. I have an overall picture of what they believe, etc. But I’m not and expert on Catholicism at all. However, what I am an expert on is being the daughter in-law of a VERY Catholic woman. And really, I’m married to her no-quite-so-Catholic son.

I’m sure she blames me entirely.

Last night Hubby had a show and had a very hectic day. I was trying to help get him out the door and started to get him something to eat. My MIL casually asked me what I was getting for him and I told her I was getting the chile Colorado she had made earlier in the week. Much to my apparent SUPIDITY, I didn’t make the connection that it was Good Friday and the chile Colorado was made out of BEEF.

There was an audible gasp and my MIL says, “You can’t give him BEEF! It’s Good Friday!!!” I gave her my best “are you kidding me??” look and I threw my hands up in the air and said, much like a snotty child, “Well Soooorry!"

And as high class as that response was, what I really wanted to do is torture the tiny, Hispanic woman and tell her that her son had been a compulsive beef eater for WEEKS…ON FRIDAYS….FOR THE ENTIRITY OF LENT!!!!

So there.

I'm Not Dealing With the Elephant...

2005-03-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

I’ve been trying to write for the past few days. I write and then erase tons of words that just seem so…so…not enough. Sunday, we said goodbye to Jess and her family as they make their way to their new life in Montana. Must I remind everyone that it is 1000+ miles away from me??? Can I even begin to write how much crying there was?

Sunday was also Maddie's baptism. (Yes, there was a baptism and then they left immediately for their home in Nevad to prepare for the move to their new home in Montana.) My dad (Bampa/Gramps) gave the talk on baptism where he started out by talking about something he likes to call: The Elephant on the Table. Now, what that means is when you're having a meeting or whatever and there is a big item on the agenda to discuss (a problem of sorts) its known as the Elephant on the Table. Sure, Maddie was getting baptized that day...but her family would be saying goodbye to all of us as they move to the state with no decorating sense. The Elephant? Oh...it was SO THERE.

Sarah put it so eloquently: "So...you have a family of criers...married into a family of criers...that breed a bunch of criers. Nice." I then proceded to blow my nose in her direction. She loved it.

I said goodbye to my older sister. That was hard hard. Our family really is so close. When I try to verbalize just how close, it just isn’t enough and I feel that whoever I’m talking to just isn’t GETTING IT. When I try to describe that Paige’s best friend is her cousin…they don’t fully get that either. When I tell them I was never embarrassed of my parents growing in up and loved to hang out with them, they think I’m completely lying.

I’M NOT LYING, PEOPLE!

I am excited for the Jess and her family in their new adventure. I’m excited for their journey, new friends and wonderful family experiences. My mind is good at telling me all about these things…but my heart just can’t seem to catch up. C’mon on heart…pay attention!

I am SO tired…

2005-03-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

- That I’m sitting at my desk, looking at these reports and balance sheets FULL of numbers and it just looks like Greek to me. I don’t speak (or read) Greek…numbers OR words. It is gonna be a long day…I need a nap.

- That drinking Dr. Pepper at 10 am in the morning just didn’t seem like a bad idea…

- That when I was washing my hair this morning, I noticed that my shampoo bottle says “Active Fruit Concentrate” and I really began to ponder how fruit concentrate could be active. Then I washed my face at least twice because I couldn’t remember if I had done it or not.

- That as I was brushing my teeth this morning and when it was time to rinse, I swished the water in my mouth to the exact same tempo (if you will) as “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” and then immediately my brain answered: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! I don’t exactly “swish” to any specific beat…I’m not sure why or how that happened. Plus, my kids don’t even watch Spongebob…but apparently I know the theme song quite well.

- That as I was leaving for work and putting my stuff on the front seat of my car, I somehow dropped my keys in my purse and pushed the button that locks my car. So as I went around to the driver’s side to get in AND ALL DOORS WERE LOCKED, I stood there for several seconds just wondering how the heck I get into these pickles. Luckily I found the extra key…amazing as that is.

- That I distinctly remember having a conversation with Hubby and Paige about the time and place of Paige’s class play...but the funny thing is that Hubby has absolutely no recollection of this. Usually I’d blame him for not paying attention…but I’m just too tired. Plus, I really do think I imagined him in to the conversation anyway.

Wish me luck. And it would probably be best if you weren’t on the roads while I’m driving…today. Just a thought. Good thing I only have a six minute commute.

What’s On My Mind

2005-03-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

You’ve been warned by the title. I have an overwhelming sense of ickiness. I figure if I purge some of it here it might help. However, it may just spread the ickiness. Let’s see:

I’ve followed the Lacy Petersen story since day one. When they showed pictures of her on the news, there was something about her smile that just drew me in and hoped for the best. Obviously, there was no good in the story but I’ve often wondered why this story got so much news attention when there are so many missing people in the world. Maybe it was because they were “typical” cute couple that had so much going for them. They were your white-collar (vs. white trash) family expecting their first child. Did that make their story better? Maybe for the news…but maybe that’s because it brought it closer to home for so many people. I’m not sure. But being the mother of two daughters, every time I hear Sharon Rocha bear her soul, I am crushed. I am devastated for that mother who lost her baby and her baby’s baby. I am brought to tears just thinking about it. I don’t know how I feel about the death penalty. Today, the day Scott Peterson was officially sentenced to death…the ickiness continues. I’m sad for everyone. This shouldn’t happen.

My mom grounded me (at 26, yes) from reading any more of The Executioner’s Song, which is this month’s book club selection over at Various Stages. The book is well written, but I just don’t know that I can read anymore. After dumping all this ickiness out to my mom just a short time ago, she told me that I need to give the book up for Lent. Neither of us are Catholic and therefore don’t celebrate(?) Lent…but that was her advice anyway. Darn. I was hoping to give up these extra pounds for Lent. Maybe I can finagle a deal…

My sister is moving in less than a week to a state that has no decorating sense whatsoever. But more importantly than Montana’s sense of style (or lack thereof) is the fact that she will be over a thousand miles away. (Although, if you ask Map Quest, it only takes 17 hours and 49 minutes to get there. ONLY.) My sisters and I are VERY close. We’re also very close to our brothers and our parents. (We are a very close-knit family…I could’ve just said that.) I’m excited for their new adventure and I’m really trying to focus on that. The selfish JP has hard time NOT focusing on how much I’m going to miss them. How this morning when Paige told me that she is “so, totally going to miss Maddie soooooo much” it was all I could do to just say, “I know, Sweetie…I know.”

But I also need to remember that there were good points from today, too. I finished everything on my To-Do list and so I’m starting on tomorrow’s list. I had a lovely IM conversation with Ms. SarahMarinara and Ms. Carrie Anne. (They rock, by the way.) I had so much fun reading several of my favorite blogs that cracked me up today…that totally helped. Explaining to Michael (my friend’s son) on the way to pre-school that “Let’s Get It Started” is sung by the Black Eyed Peas and not L’il Romeo, or whoever he thought it was. Running home at lunch and Cutie-Pie Abby running as fast as her legs could carry her to fling herself at me in a huge 2-year old’s hug and told me she loved me over and over again. That was precious.

You know, I’m not one of your “I need chocolate now” kind of gal. But I stopped to pick up some “comfort food” on my way back to the office. Is that sad or is that sad? But I don’t care. I really don’t. I’m just bummed and full of ickiness. I’m hoping both can be cured with this delightful Carmel Pecan Chocolate Tart that awaits me. I’m also going to focus on the good instead of the icky. My mom says it’s almost like I need a mental shower…to clean all the bad/sad stuff off.

That’s not a bad idea, Mom.

B-L-O-G...

2005-03-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

I have a lovely area next to my cube with a table and chairs which is perfect for doing homework when you are Sarah Marinara on your lunch break, cramming for mid-terms. (It also has a lovely view of the river that can’t be seen due to closed blinds thanks to Weenie Boy 2 who says he can’t see from the glare that BOUNCES OFF the file cabinets.) Sarah brought the popcorn. I continued to work. It was a dandy of a set-up until our ears were assaulted by a conversation between two of our co-workers who’s level of cool…well, let’s just say there is no comparison between them and Sarah and I…it’s a true story. Really.

“Now, what is a blog?”

“It’s a WEB LOG…often referred as a BLOG.”

“And what is that?”

“It’s a form of a journal or diary you keep on-line for everyone to read.”

“Is that the "new thing", now?”

“It must be getting quite popular. My cousin has one of those now. He’s very smart. A geek, but very smart. Geekiness must be a prerequisite for having a blog.”

“ahhhh….I see. We should start a blog [about crap that JP knows nothing about and
therefore cannot even transcribe their nonsense].”

“There is just no way we could start a blog. It takes so much research to gather all the information.”

“Still, it would be “cool” to have a blog about [whatever the hell they were talking about that I really don’t care to know about and therefore wouldn’t read that blog.]

I will have you all know that Sarah and I did an AMAZING job of sideways glances and giggles as we were publicly ridiculed for our favorite pastime of late, even though they had no idea they were making fun of us.

And for the record: I am NOT a geek. I do little to no research whatsoever. I am smart, but perhaps not as smart as “one’s” cousin. I do not wish for those two EVER start a blog of their own. THAT would be a travesty.

As Sarah got ready to leave she announces, “I’m gonna look into getting me one of those blog thingy’s. It sounds so interesting!”

Surviving the Great San Francisco Fart

2005-03-10T00:16:00.000-08:00

When Abby gets sick (double ear infection) on Wednesday evening...and then Paige gets sick on Thursday night (pukey, virus/flu thing) it brings absolute chaos and lack of blogging to my life.

I'm used to the chaos...I've totally missed the blogging.

Sunday night, I got hit hard with whatever Paige had. I was miserable. I tried to get up and go to work on Monday...lasted only one hour and then I just HAD to get out of there, if you know what I'm sayin'. I faded in and out for the rest of Monday and tried to catch up on any/all daytime tv that I miss out on daily.

I have NOTHING to show for it.

I watched NO soap operas (not that I would, even in sickness) NO talkshows...NO gameshows...NO black and white shows. I almost felt like a trater to man/womankind that I snuck NONE of those in. The only thing that came even remotely close was The Little House on the Prairie...but I didn't even get to see Pa cry. It was back to the tv menu for more options.

As I scrolled throught the 100+ channels in the menu screen, I have have to rely on my feverish affected eyesight (while not wearing my glasses) to pick the perfect sick-day show. And in my delirium I see the title: Surviving the Great San Francisco Fart...and it had JUST begun. With many double takes and rubbing of eyes I realize that I'm not really reading a title of a show that would make my brothers proud...I have actually fallen prey to the illness that has affected every aspect of my body and to the TV menu/guide that just can't spell out the entire names of shows.

"Surviving the Great San Francisco Earthquake" was just not as appealing to someone who had stayed home sick from work...and who just wanted some really good stayin-at-home-sick-from-work kind of television.

Bummer.

This Just In...

2005-03-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

You may have picked up on the fact (between Sarah and my sites) that our office has installed new software to prevent unwanted Internet searching and to block questionable sites. This blocked several things that I love for a time. But the filters are slowly backing off once things finally get set up. Just for grins, I started clicking on things...just to see what I would get.

For a couple of days, Blogger (and anything Blogger related) was blocked as "Conversation" type sites. I mourned this loss with tears and chocolate. Oh yeah, I also gained two pounds. Luckily, Blogger was returned to me...so were those two pounds. I'm working on that.

Even with Blogger comming back from the IT grave, Sarah's site was still blocked...as PORN. I missed Sarah's site terribly, but how funny is it that it was categorized as PORN??!! I found it hilarious. Sarah? Not so much. Oh, but can I tell you how funny it was??? IT has officially deemed her NOT PORN...but she's still bitter.

So today, I thought I would start clicking on things on on MSN.COM to see what was blocked and what wasn't. Just thought I would let you know that if you click on horoscopes, that is blocked for the reason that they are considered CULT or OCCULT...but games? They are TOTALLY okay.

I'm gonna go play me some Bejewled 2...

Are You Lookin' At Me??

2005-03-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

It amazes me (always) what people will do when they think they’re not being watched. (It also unnerves you a bit to realize that ANYONE could be watching!)

I saw a man walking up the steps to our building drop the manila folder he was carrying twice, even before he started up the stairs. After the second time, he threw his hands in the air with frustration and admitted defeat.

While at the gas station today I saw a very nicely dressed man “adjust” himself in his lower area as he walked into the Starbucks next door. Nice.

In our break room, people donate a variety of celebrity gossip-type magazines. As I walked in there to get some water, I saw one of the guys flipping through one of the magazines. I’m sure he thought I didn’t see him, as he quickly put it down and looked outside (like he was pondering World Peace) but that really wasn't the case, now was it?

But on the flip side, did anyone see me when I walked down to the parking garage to leave and I headed all the way down to one end of the garage only to turn right around as I realized I parked at the other end? Probably. And did anyone see me (at the aforementioned gas station) open my car door INTO my shoulder as I so gracefully got into my car? Probably.

I hope I was at least entertaining.

This is a Test...This is Only a Test...

2005-03-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

Paige has had a third front tooth for several weeks now. Her "baby tooth" just didn't want to budge and it plagued our lives daily. Sunday I even held her down to and tortured her with my wiggling of the tooth (something I HATE to do) and it just didn't help. Did I give birth to the human version of a Saber Toothed Tiger?

How many times can I listen to "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson before I run screaming from the room? Thanks to Abby we've listened to it about seven times now. She's learned that if she pushes THAT button twice it will PLAY HER FAVORITE SONG over and over and over. This she learned from Sarah.

***During the typing of this blog, Abby's repeated this song two more times...we're up to nine.***

Over a month ago, I was contacted by UC Berkeley for a study they were doing for the Leukemia Foundation. It seems as thought there is a little girl born the same day as Abby (same year, etc) who had Leukemia and they are trying to pull a controlled study of all little girls the same age. When they contacted me the first time, I was slightly unnerved at all the information they had on me and Abby. But then I realized that everything they had on me was from public records. I chilled out and listened to what kind of information they needed and verified some of what they already had...and I agreed to Abby and I being part of this study.

***We're up to ten times...Break away, already!***

I was all ready to tell them no...they already had so much of my information...and I was nervous, as a mother, to have strangers have so much information about my life and daughter. But I stopped for two seconds and realized that if my daughter was the one with leukemia, I would be praying for a cure and hoping that someone (like me) would be willing to answer a few questions about my pregnancy and Abby's surrounding once she was born to see if there was any connection and try to solve the mystery of the disease that plagued my little girl. I can't imagine the mother that has to watch their little two-year old go through so much pain at such a young age. All of a sudden, there was no other answer.

So after many questions (again) over the phone tonight and me taking my turn GRILLING the nice woman on the phone for details, I agreed to finish out the interview process. At the end of this month, this very nice person I talked to on the phone will come over to our house and have an in depth interview about my pregnancy, etc...about Abby's family and surroundings...and the last piece of information they will need is a "swab" of the inside mine and Abby's mouth. There is still a part of me that is nervous for allowing someone/a group to know so much about me and my family. But I really think the benefits for that other little girl with leukemia are so important to consider as I make that decision.

Besides, that woman is going to have to take a swab of inside Abby's mouth...that will seriously deter her from ever stepping foot in our house again. I probably should've warned her.

UPDATE to WAITING!!

2005-03-01T16:22:00.000-08:00

I so wanted to pull my last post down because while I am still so proud to be an American...I am SO INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF AT OUR GOVERNMENT AND IT'S AGENCIES!!!!!

You just can't imagine how angry I am. They've lost yet another form and our process is ONE AGAIN thwarted. I'm going to stop now...before I get nasty!

As my dad says, I'm starting to be SO GLAD that we don't have socialized medicine. Can you imagine government agencies LIKE THE PEOPLE I JUST DEALT WITH deciding on your health?!?!?!?!?! Criminy...THAT would SUCK. They'd lose all of your medical records at least twice in a five year period...and that would be a successful situation.

Besides...I work in healthcare...and I like my job...

Waiting...Waiting...

2005-03-01T11:20:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here at work waiting for these dang reports to run. As I yell at the faceless being of technology: "I HAVE LIMITED TIME PEOPLE! GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!" I realize that "the people" hate me and that I'm yelling at no one but this no one hates me still.

The good news is that I'm leaving at noon whether or not these reports run or not. My Latin-Lover Hubby, who was not born in the United States, has been a Resident of the U.S. until this point. Today he takes this big step of becoming a U.S. Citizen....FINALLY. (I don't mind telling you that this has been QUITE the process. And not the most organized process I've ever been through, to boot. So there you have it.) Those of us born in the U.S. take A LOT for granted. Some things I didn’t even realize until I married Hubby. This is so exciting…so very cool.

I grew up in a very patriotic family. My grandfather fought in WWII and I have always taken great pride in that. Today, that is especially wonderful. We are experiencing and enjoying those freedoms that so many people have fought and died for.

So here I go…wish Hubby luck as we head off to take a history test (and I thought we were done with school!) and go through yet another interview. I am such a proud wife right now. I am very proud to be an American.

We've Got the Spirit...How 'bout YOU???

2005-02-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

Just between us…I’m not sure I can handle all the basketball talk today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a HUGE basketball fan…but I work with people who take KING’S FAN to an entirely different level. They talk about aspects of basketball that would boggle the mind of even Shaq. Oh wait…that wouldn’t be hard to do.

With the trade of Chris Webber (and others) the level of King’s discussion is maddening. I’ve been here for an hour and they haven’t even caught their breath. I’ve stuck my head in headphones to try and move past it all and, you know…actually work.

Or blog, whatever…don’t judge.

Lessons Learned on President's Day Weekend

2005-02-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

I learned a lot of things this weekend and I thought I would share...for whatever it's worth.

I learned that when Hubby starts bringing crap in from the garage, he means business. The good side of that story is that the girls' room looks GREAT. We just have a couple of pictures left to hang. THIS is a good thing.

I learned that I could decorate the tops of my kitchen cabinets with baskets, bowls, bottles and other "stuff" laying around the garage and it looks GOOD. Carrie Ann would be proud 'cuz I actually did something that could be described as decorating. I should take picture so I can actually prove it. (Note: Hubby started bringing crap in from the garage...it ends up above the cupboards....interesting.)

I learned that since Hubby's band just finished their CD, they needed and worked on the cover for the new album on Saturday. They took pictures several weeks ago and a couple of those pictures appear on the new cover. Hubby looks HOT, if I do say so myself. He cleans up nicely. :) (Will give a 'sneak peak' when available...the new pictures aren't up on their website yet.)

I learned that Abby has a way of putting me in my place. Its up to me to hide that fact that she can put my in my place and be more aware for next time. Lesson learned.

I learned that when you give Paige 20 points at the beginning of the week tell her that at the end of the week, if she still has points left, she can invite a friend over (points get taken away for bad behavior) that by the end of Monday she has only 17 points left. Is it my parenting??

I learned that when you spend an entire day with Hubby working on taxes that by the end of the day I wanted to kick him. That when you have a band, business and personal taxes to worry about...there's just a level of busy and stress that makes you want to cry. Or kick people. Whatever.

I learned that tornados CAN happen where I live. Was actually no big deal. My mom called to make sure we were okay and I had no clue that anything had happened. I was too busy noticing the HUGE raindrops hitting the neighbors pool. I want a pool. Besides, it gave me a break from the taxes and the kicking of certain people.

I learned that you should never plan ANYTHING (weekend family getaway) because inevitably Hubby will completely mix up the dates and schedule a show for the Friday you're supposed to leave. This may also explain why I had such an urge to kick "people" yesterday. Just a thought.

I learned that not only is my sister moving to MONTANA, but after looking through all of her pictures from her trip last weekend I see that I am SENDING HER OFF TO A STATE THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NO STYLE OR SENSE OF DECENT DECORATING WHATSOEVER!!

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?????

I've also just learned that Sarah website has been blocked from our server as porn and that she has never seen Gladiator. I LOVE that movie (Gladiator...not porn, people.) Remind me to tell you about when I was in labor with Abby and that movie kept me occupied. Somehow the blood and gore and pain of that movie put my contractions, back labor and lack of sleep into perspective and I just let myself be entertained. ("Are ye NOT entertained?!") Does this explain why Abby is the way she is? Probably...

JP's Top Ten List: Things I Have an Unhealthy Love For

2005-02-18T15:09:00.000-08:00

I still have writer’s block. (Lucky you.) Here is a top 10 list of things that I LOVE that are probably not all that healthy. I said probably. Don't judge...

Funfetti cake mix and funfetti frosting. I don’t love any cake like I love Funfetti. One of those things you should avoid even though you LOVE.
Johnny Depp. YUM. My love for this man dates back to 21 Jumpstreet days and the posters Jess had all over her room. My heart does this pitter-patter thing every time I see his picture or watch him in a movie. (Have you seen the January Rolling Stones magazine???? FOR THE LOVE!!!!!) I just can't say enough about his wonderful yuminess. But I'll stop here before I just can't go on.
Harry Potter Books. Notice I said BOOKS. I do NOT have an unhealthy love for a fictional, British, teenage wizard. Now THAT would be obsurd…and not just a little ICKY. I love the books and have read each one multiple times. I don’t know why the love is there…IT JUST IS.
Starbuck’s. I hate them. I love them. I hate them. (“JP…how can you hate Starbuck’s.” “Because they put an addictive chemical in it that makes you crave fortnightly, Smart@$$!”) Sometimes it’s just better not to ask…
Sweet Home Alabama, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Goonies, Newsies, So I Married an Axe Murderer (hence the above craziness/line), Drop Dead Fred, The Princess Bride (sorry, Cam), White Christmas, Summer Stock, Cheaper by the Dozen, You've Got Mail…all movies that I can watch over and over and over and over and over again. Sick, Sick, Sick.
My MIL’s enchiladas. OH.MY.WORD. You MUST try these things. ‘Nuf said.
Green Day. A little scary...a little edgy...BUT OH SO ROCK-WONDERFUL! Again, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ROLLING STONE COVER??? They are just too fabulous.
U2. My love for them even withstand albums that just don't compare to Joshua Tree. Oh, but the love. (HAVE YOU SEEN THE ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE COVER?? I promise...that's the last time I'll do that.)
80's Music and Movies. It really is a sickness I share with many of my friends. I'm seeking counceling, but I really don't think it will help! I mean, c'mon people! It is just too much fun for words...
ALIAS. Is there ANYTHING better than a gal that can seriously KICK SOME TAIL?! She ROCKS! She makes me want to high kick and stuff. PLUS, she gets to love on Michael Vartan...even if it isn't in real life anymore. Still...that chick does it all. And with such pizazz!

So...how unhealthy are these loves? Let's not ask such questions. It's just not necessary.

Writer's Block...and the Aftermath

2005-02-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes your mind and your heart are way to full and its hard to spill some of it out. I haven’t posted in almost a week here…and I post weekly to Various Stages of Mormondom…and for some reason, that’s all I could focus on this week. The current theme focuses on “If I never marry, what does this mean religiously” but centers a lot around the pressures we (as a culture) feel to get married and how much of that comes from religion…but not all of it. I thought it was going to be a slam dunk because I’m married…it doesn’t really apply to me.

Not so.

Up until yesterday I had no ideas on what I was going to write. But I happened to catch an episode on Tuesday night of Sex and the City. Now, we all know that we shouldn’t learn life’s lessons from S&theC, but somehow they can always make you think. This particular episode took us through the celebration of Charlotte’s 36th (or 35th part II) birthday and how the pressures of being married at ‘that age’ just kept getting stronger. It got my thought process going…and I just figured I’d write figuratively and generically about marriage or not getting married.

Things didn’t happen quite like that…and as I started to write, it was like someone else was typing. And I just let that person type.

I’m nervous about how certain people will react to what a posted. I’m nervous about spilling my heart and guts out for everyone to see. And somehow, amidst all that…I feel a strange sense of peace.

I think I’ve had a breakthrough. Thanks, Internet…and thanks, Sarah.

(And a HUGE shout out to Kaycee the Blogger GODDESS for helping me post the craziness…and a special one to all the VSofM bloggers…I LOVE that group!)

On The Road Again

2005-02-11T10:23:00.000-08:00

We often give my parents a hard time for never taking us to Disneyland when we were kids. We’re brats…this is what we do. I had to wait until I was an “almost adult” to make that trip. But you know what? That’s okay. To be perfectly honest, I can remember all of our camping and hiking trips and have the fondest of memories of that time shared with my family. Growing up, my dad followed his grandmother’s tradition of teaching his children to appreciate and enjoy nature. We didn’t know the name of every flower or every bird but that didn’t matter. We loved being outside and could really stop and smell the roses (or pine trees or the ocean breeze…whatever.) From where we live, it’s basically less than two hours to the ocean or to the mountains and we would make those trips as often as we could. I LOVE the memories of those trips.

Because of the way I grew up, I just love where I live. (At least most of the time.) Early this morning, as I drove to work on this beautiful, crisp, clear morning I could see the gorgeous, snow capped Sierras ahead of me in the far off distance. Looking to the left, I could see the Sutter Buttes and looking behind me I could see the Coastal Range. On a very clear day, I can also see Mt Diablo. My office sits right next to the Sacramento River. I am a spoiled rotten brat and not only do I have a window view from my desk but that window view looks straight out to the river, like my office is hanging over the river. I know it sounds cheesy, but there is something about seeing these nature masterpieces that makes me happy. For those few minutes this morning, I was so caught up in the beauty of the valley that I just felt such a sense of peace and contentment. In some way, it brings me closer to my family and our family memories. I think it also makes me appreciate my dad and my grandparents for teaching us to take the time to enjoy nature.

My parents, Jess and my brother in-law are on their way to Montana. In less than a month’s time, my sister and her family will be moving hundreds of miles away. Words cannot express how much I will miss them but how excited I am for their new adventure. I think that one thing that will help Jess make this transition is our love for nature and how much we enjoy it. I think that because we grew up embarking on new territories and looking for the beauty, Jess and her family will be able to do the same with Montana. Like a new world to be explored and enjoyed. She totally found the beauty that is in Nevada. (In Nevada!!) It will be that much easier for her to find in Montana.

Now, if it was only closer to California…

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time I…

2005-02-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

...worked at Godfather’s pizza my Senior year of High School. My co-workers were a couple of drug addicts, a devil-worshiper, football players and a couple of psycho cheerleader types. It really is no wonder that the place closed a few years ago. I just can’t believe that I’ve kept my love for pizza after working there.

...left the job at Godfather’s (after high school) to work as a nanny for a family I knew from the Stake/church. The kids were so incredibly awful I quit after 3 days. AWFUL. The mother actually told me that I could put the little boy in a time out IN THE GARAGE. Needless to say, I couldn’t do that.

...wore a green square sticker with an “L” on my forehead so the surgeon wouldn’t forget to cut into the LEFT side of my chest? I was only 17 and was undergoing a breast biopsy for 4 lumps that were hangin’ out…one was the size of a quarter. (I was fine, by the way.) About two weeks after the surgery, Sarah bumped into the sensitive side and I smacked her. She yelled, “Hey, that’s my bad arm!” I yelled back, “Hey, that’s my bad boob.” We still laugh at that. We’re weird. This shouldn’t surprise you.

...got married in my sister’s wedding dress? Looked FABULOUS on her. Not so fabulous on me. Remind me to tell you about my MIL drama from that day…oh, the ‘happy’ memories. Oh, wait…there really wasn’t any.

...watched the Hillary Duff video “Our Lips Are Sealed” with Paige and Abby over and over and over and over. I would like to blame it entirely on their designs…but that Hillary Duff is just FUN.

...was watching my little brothers after school and we happen to be watching The Little Mermaid. (I did mention briefly that my grandmother that lived behind us reminded us of Ursula, right? She was just as mean.) We all saw that my grandmother pulled up in the driveway and we all scattered. (This was normal practice.) She happened to walk in the door just as Ursula was being spectacularly evil…Gram got mad (like we would do that on purpose, puh-lease!) and shut of the T.V. Seriously…we didn’t do that on purpose.

...hit a parked truck, a fence AND our mailbox not long after getting my license. Oh yeah, I think I did mention that one. And yet, I still bring it up to humiliate myself.

...went to a Milli Vanilli concert? It’s almost painful to admit that one. It was actually an MTV LIVE concert and featured: Information Society, Was Not Was, Tone Loc, Paula Abdul and Milli Vanilli. I am so cool.

...met a new friend (at work) and for the first couple of months had NO CLUE she was gay? There were several hints made, but JP just SO didn't get it? After her attending the Melissa Ethridge concert with her 'friends' and talking about her 'significant' other...I still didn't get it. I honestly don't even remember what finally made me wake up and see the lipstick lesbians.

...was having lunch with said lesbian friend and others and we were talking about the features on our phones. We were all kind of talking at once, but my phone sucked and I said “Yeah, mine doesn’t have anything…its SO GAY." They didn’t hear me (I asked them later) but OH MY GOSH! I NEVER say those things. I totally blamed Hubby for his use of the “GAY” language.

...conspired with two of my friends on Grad Night to put soap in a fountain at one of the busiest intersections in town. Drove back by two days later and the suds were still at least five feet tall. I was look-out, Jaimes was the get-away driver and Sarah was that STAR of the whole show. SUCH the rebels. I’m sure we did a couple of Chinese Fire Drills along the way, too.

...REPLIED to a work e-mail instead of FORWARDING and almost said some pretty nasty things about the REPLIED to person. Oh yeah…ya’ll know ALL about that one. It just happed to pop into my head today. I still feel like a complete IDIOT.

Okay…perhaps I’ve shared enough today. Perhaps not. We’ll see.

I’m in a funk. So please excuse the following ramblings of JP the Rambler.

2005-02-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

My mother thinks I do not like her.

Okay, so that comes off really weird when I actually type that out…but go with me here. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far as to why my mother thinks I’m hatin’ on her. Or just being really distant…whatever. You get the point.

*I’m a VERY sarcastic person…is it borderline bitchy? Uncaring?

*I lead a very crazy, chaotic life…do I make it seem like I don’t have time for her?

*Because of my very crazy, chaotic life, I am a crazy chaotic person…yeah, that’s just a fact. I have no questions regarding that one.

*If ever I am having a bad day or something is wrong, I avoid my mother because she will inevitably make me weep openly if she says even one nice word to me. Heaven help us all if she actually hugs me…I’m to hysterics at that point. Am I always having a bad day…is something always wrong with me? Do I avoid my Mother because I cannot show any signs of weakness because I’ve got to keep it all together??

(I apologize for that last paragraph…too many questions just thrown out into the Internet all at once. I could be court marshaled and drug kicking and screaming from my computer for that.)

But, Internet, THESE are the questions that linger!! THESE are the things that make you go “hmm.” THESE are the days of MY life!

AM I PUNISHING MY MOTHER BECAUSE SHE UNDERSTANDS ME BEST???

Ponder this. Mull it over. Let me know what you think…

And Yo' ass Wonder Why I'm CRAZY??

2005-02-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is a re-post, technically. But when you Ask Snoop...this is an example of whatcha get...

I just had da most ANNOYING morning 'n I decided BLOG ABOUT IT." Well…because I CAN n' shit.

First of izzall, I guess yo' ass could be like that that shiznit started last night." Maybe that’s my problem, know what I'm sayin'? My annoying MORNING started LAST NIGHT! I didn’t feel well." I has been having these weird aches 'n pains that a twenty-something year old gal shouldn’t has n' shit. I’m in serious denial that arthritis runs rampant in my family…'n that I am in any way susceptible that shiznit n' shit. DAMN THOSE FAMILY GENES!!! So, not feeling well…I’m overly tired…I had a big ass day at work…my beautiful shorties wuz a handful…my husband wuz being a pest…'n my mother in-law wuz buggin’ n' shit. (And I SWEAR Buddha if ANYONE asks me if I’m PMS-in'…I WILL CUT THEM n' shit. Besides, that’s JUST NOT IT." )

After reading 'bout muthas’s shorties peeing on da floor (I laughed) I went crib only has my child pee on da floor n' shit. Twice." (I didn’t laugh, know what I'm sayin'? ) Then, further enhance my evening, Paige COMPLETELY flipped out over everything I told her." Did I fast forward six years 'n I now live wit a teenager???? And did I mention Hubby wuz a pest 'n my MIL wuz buggin’? OH…'n I didn’t feel gravy? But I wuz nice 'n I told my in-laws leave da dishes…I would do 'em in da morning so that I could just go bed."

And I did n' shit. And I really didn’t start today in a bad mood, know what I'm sayin'? Really." I didn’t. And I kept my word 'bout cleaning da kitchen, know what I'm sayin'? But Abby came downstairs wit me “help” me wash dishes, know what I'm sayin'? (Just in case yo' ass wuz wondering, two-year olds are not much help when washing dishes n' shit. ) By da end of cleaning up, I (wit my work clothes already on) has H-2-Izzo izzall over me…'n Abby is completely annoyed wit me that I won’t let her climb in da sink 'n has a bath, da Kill-Joy that I am, know what I'm sayin'? Oh, 'n by da way…while I wuz cleaning, I threw away (in da garbage) a cream cheese container after I checked make sho that shiznit wasn’t recyclable, know what I'm sayin'? I wouldn’t normally share such babble, but that shiznit will be important later on n' shit. I survived da washing of dishes 'n proceeded make Paige lunch 'n mine." Paige wuz actually hella helpful ('n not flipping out) 'n making her lunch together wuz a hella enjoyable experience, know what I'm sayin'? (Can I mention that I still don’t feel well? Oh well, I just did." ) When my MIL walks into da kitchen 'n is getting ready fo' her day, brizzle throws something away 'n sees da cream cheese container in da garbage." She then asks me (in da most annoying way) please put those containers in da recycling bin n' shit. I reply that that shiznit’s not a container that is recyclable, I checked n' shit. She then says just do that shiznit anyway because da garbage folks will take that shiznit, know what I'm sayin'? I be like yes, they will take that shiznit BUT THEN THEY WILL THROW IT IN THA GARBAGE BECAUSE ITS NOT RECYCLABLE!!! But brizzle gives me this look that says “Do that shiznit anyway…because I be like so” 'n I turn away because if I continue see that look I will be forced put my tiny mother in-law IN THA RECYCLYING BUCKET AND NOT CARE THAT SHE’S NOT RECYCLABLE!

I think I’ve earned some sort of medal, know what I'm sayin'? Yo' ass know, fo' NOT beheading muthas that really, really, really deserved that shiznit, know what I'm sayin'?

I Am Just Not Ready For Her to Know About All of THAT

2005-02-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

My friend Mary takes her son, Michael, and Paige to the library every week. And when you take an almost five year old and a seven year old to the bathroom with you, interesting questions can fly out of their mouths:

“Hey Mary?” asks Paige. “Why do they sell napkin for $.25? I thought they were free.”

I Fought the Law and the Law Won

2005-02-01T16:12:00.000-08:00

I just fought with a toilet seat cover. You heard me: A TOILET SEAT COVER. It just kept getting all twisted and non-compliant. You’d think that I would just throw it in the toilet and be done with it. But I didn’t. I was going to show that toilet seat cover who was boss. (I so did.)

I also fought with my sweater this morning as it got caught on a button from the back of my slacks. That one I HAD to win. Otherwise my sweater would’ve been ruined. (It so wasn't.)

I fought with Abby this morning just to get that child’s socks and sweatshirt on. I nearly gave up on that battle and I tossed the sweatshirt on her head. She ended up throwing the sweatshirt AND the socks at top speed onto the floor telling me “NO, Mommy!” (I should learn how to say “no” from Abby.) Thus creating more work for me by now having to pick up the scattered clothing and continue the fight to dress her. She’s still upset, nine hours later. (She so is.)

Now I am fighting with myself over a comment I made on a blog that I contribute to. It was a combination of me misreading something and some words switched around. For some reason, my defenses got the better of me and I pounded out a very defensively written comment. More proof that you should take some time and really think about what you’re about to do when you actually press that “comment” button. I read and re-read the other posts, just to be sure…and I STILL got it wrong. I got defensive to someone that I have never met but who I just think the world of. I’m so bugged but this but I just happen to think that maybe those emotions were closer to the surface than I realized.

Its been a reoccurring theme on a few blogs that I read where people are leaving hurtful comments on other’s sites. I hope that I didn’t just step over that fine line. That’s just not a fight I want to have. I admire (and adore) MANY of you bloggers out there and would HATE to think that I offend anyone.

Internet? I have learned my lesson. Thanks, Sarah and Carrie Ann and Jess…I needed to learn that lesson.

JUST SAY NO

2005-02-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

My life just isn’t very exciting. Jam packed, crazy, running a mile a minute, chaotic, insane, full, busy, never a dull moment…all of those things my life IS. I remember at the beginning of this month I was so pleased to find my calendar very clean. There just wasn’t a lot going on. I even commented on this to my mom who I think laughed at me on the inside because even she knew that it wouldn’t stay that way.

And it really didn’t.

I normally use color coding on my calendar to keep everything straight and so I know who has to be where at what time. If you look at my “month-at-a-glance” calendar, it is a BLUR of color. It’s insane. My co-workers, friends and family avoid even glancing at my calendar because the tie-dye color effect it has on them gives them a slight twitch and they are never the same again. Me? I guess I’m just used to it. Well, I tolerate it.

2005 was my year of saying “NO” and meaning it. I’ve started that process but I still have so much to say NO to. Some things you JUST CANNOT SAY NO TO, people. You just can’t. When Hubby’s family is here from Mexico and you have never even met these side of the family, No isn’t an option. When you just find out your sister is moving far away and your ENTIRE (immediate) family will be together all this weekend. NO isn’t an option. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to say NO to these events…its just that I seem to get flack from other people that it’s all my own fault that I’m always so tired and run down.

And yes, I guess they are right.

I CHOOSE to do these things with my family. It makes me happy and I LOVE spending time with them. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful family, who in their right mind would tell them no? I CHOOSE for Paige to have so many activities for her to be involved in. I want my girls to have all the opportunities I can possibly give them. I CHOOSE to make time for my friends. I have truly amazing friends; they must have a special place in my schedule because they have such a special place in my heart. I CHOOSE to do these things and I have to be careful to have balance in all that I do. I need to make sure that I CHOOSE to take time to rest and have JP time. That is not very easy to do.

And so here I go. Here I try to make sure I make time for myself. This is NOT an easy task. Every night this week (after I work a nine hour day) I have something going on with either Hubby’s family or mine. Do I try to fit too much in? I do. I really do. I guess I just have this voice inside me that says “I’ve gotta do it all…don’t say no.” This is a lesson for me to learn. That I don’t “gotta do it all” and it really is okay to say NO. Sometimes it’s even okay to throw in a HELL NO. Still…NO’s need to come from me more often.

It is just so hard to figure out when.

And You Wonder Why I'm CRAZY??

2005-01-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

I just had the most ANNOYING morning and I decided to BLOG ABOUT IT. Well…because I CAN.

First of all, I guess you could say that it started last night. Maybe that’s my problem. My annoying MORNING started LAST NIGHT! I didn’t feel well. I have been having these weird aches and pains that a twenty-something year old gal shouldn’t have. I’m in serious denial that arthritis runs rampant in my family…and that I am in any way susceptible to it. DAMN THOSE FAMILY GENES!!! So, not feeling well…I’m overly tired…I had a big day at work…my beautiful children were a handful…my husband was being a pest…and my mother in-law was buggin’. (And I SWEAR to Buddha if ANYONE asks me if I’m PMS-ing…I WILL CUT THEM. Besides, that’s JUST NOT IT.)

After reading about people’s children peeing on the floor (I laughed) I went home only to have my child pee on the floor. Twice. (I didn’t laugh.) Then, to further enhance my evening, Paige COMPLETELY flipped out over everything I told her. Did I fast forward six years and I now live with a teenager???? And did I mention Hubby was a pest and my MIL was buggin’? OH…and I didn’t feel good? But I was nice and I told my in-laws to leave the dishes…I would do them in the morning so that I could just go to bed.

And I did. And I really didn’t start today in a bad mood. Really. I didn’t. And I kept my word about cleaning the kitchen. But Abby came downstairs with me to “help” me wash dishes. (Just in case you were wondering, two-year olds are not much help when washing dishes.) By the end of cleaning up, I (with my work clothes already on) have water all over me…and Abby is completely annoyed with me that I won’t let her climb in the sink and have a bath, the Kill-Joy that I am. Oh, and by the way…while I was cleaning, I threw away (in the garbage) a cream cheese container after I checked to make sure it wasn’t recyclable. I wouldn’t normally share such babble, but it will be important later on.

I survived the washing of dishes and proceeded to make Paige lunch and mine. Paige was actually very helpful (and not flipping out) and making her lunch together was a very enjoyable experience. (Can I mention that I still don’t feel well? Oh well, I just did.) When my MIL walks into the kitchen and is getting ready for her day, she throws something away and sees the cream cheese container in the garbage. She then asks me (in the most annoying way) to please put those containers in the recycling bin. I reply that it’s not a container that is recyclable, I checked. She then says to just do it anyway because the garbage folks will take it. I said yes, they will take it BUT THEN THEY WILL THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE BECAUSE ITS NOT RECYCLABLE!!! But she gives me this look that says “Do it anyway…because I said so” and I turn away because if I continue to see that look I will be forced to put my tiny mother in-law IN THE RECYCLYING BUCKET AND NOT CARE THAT SHE’S NOT RECYCLABLE!

I think I’ve earned some sort of medal. You know, for NOT beheading people that really, really, really deserved it.

The Little House That is NOT on the Prairie

2005-01-25T13:01:00.000-08:00

Saw a commercial for the latest embarrassment - I mean reality show last night. It’s all about a happily, newly married couple who move into a house that is TOO SMALL. And by too small, I mean it is a house built for Mini-Me. Like something built on a dare. Short ceilings, short bed, little stove…tiny tables and furniture…you get the picture. It was a story about their struggles with NOT HAVING ENOUGH ROOM. Here they are shoving each other off the bed…the sleepless nights that become of that. The WAY to small kitchen and them trying to have a romantic dinner and failing miserably. Can you say Alice in Wonderland for 2005???

I began to question my own sanity. “Is this what I’m really seeing?” I started to hyperventilate and cry just a little. Is THIS what TV has become? Do I live in THIS world that would create just this type of reality TV??? THIS is NOT reality, people!

And as I continue ranting and hyperventilating…my sobs are interrupted by the end of the commercial learning it was just an advertisement for GEICO insurance.

I very nearly threw my pen at the television and am now counting the days when some sleazy TV executive pitches that idea to one of “those” networks and the reality show that haunts me will run its own commercials and I’ll be faked out thinking its only GEICO…when IT WON’T BE.

Yeah…I have THAT much faith in American television.

The Throw That Cannot Be

2005-01-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

I just can't believe how UNTALENTED I am at "THROWS." You know, the decorative blankets that you "throw" onto your couch to complete the ensemble...to give it the "just right" look to the couch and to the room. I suck at it. I mean I'm really terrible at it. I have certain areas of, let's call it, decorating that I am good at. But apparently throwing a blanket onto the side corner of the couch is not my forte. I must have tried at least eight times before just leaving it in a type of hudled mess on the couch.

That was my best? That's all I can do???

I try to focus on the genius of it all. Why kill myself trying to "throw" the blanket when I'm only good at "tossing." For I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Hubby would walk past it and fix it. I knew that the anal retentive man I love dearly just could not walk by with the throw only "tossed" onto the couch. It just wouldn't do.

And it didn't do.

Not ten minutes later (without me saying one word) the throw is thrown perfectely onto the couch in just the right spot, at just the right angle.

If he starts accessorizing better than I do...well, just know that I'll still kick his butt at dancing-wait no...um...at...at...

Oh, forget it.

Say What?

2005-01-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

Last night, Hubby went out with the guys...to a pub...downtown. On a trip to the bathroom, Hubby noticed two girls in the one of the stalls in the Men's Room. One of those girls was obviously not doing well and her friend was just there for "support." The more sober of the two left when Hubby went into another stall to...you know. While he was washing his hands, the Ever-So-Drunken-One made her way out to the sink.

"You okay?" Asks Hubby.

Very slowly the E-S-D-O says, "Yeeeaaaahhhh...I just don't understand why I have to use the bathroom with all these guys...."

WARNING...This Person Might Make You Die From Laughter...Or From Choking on Peanuts!

2005-01-21T16:22:00.000-08:00

There’s just nothing like going to lunch with a dear friend. Especially when that friend is Sarah Marinara. We went to a pizza/salad place close to the office where the employees are just tremendous. This is only the second time we’ve been there and already we feel like Norm walking into Cheers. Good stuff, Maynard. (Shout out to Jay, who takes great care of us…)

So, we’re in line, getting our salads when we start discussing Sarah’s friendships and how she just won’t go away. Let’s face it, once you’re Sarah’s friend…you’re stuck with her. She technically should wear a warning label. I likened her to bad chili…however, she likened HERSELF to an INFECTIOUS, INCURABLE DISEASE. By this time, the girl making our salads is giggling…but when Sarah takes it a step further and calls herself AIDS…this is when the girl is thinking Sarah’s gone of the deep end. And, well…maybe she has.

Because as we are eating lunch, it became quite apparent that Sarah Marinara has TURRETS. Originally, I thought this was a genetic disorder, but apparently I.WAS.WRONG. It is HIGHLY contagious and she contracted it from when she dated Turrets Boy a few months back! (I WILL DESTROY YOU!) As we’re sitting there, trying to eat lunch, THINGS just keep FLYING out of Sarah’s mouth. And while, no…not all is questionable content…ALL of it is DOWN RIGHT FUNNY. She blames much of the Turrets on her "new" stomach that is revolting against her and who calls her horrid names because its jealous of other people. (Let's be honest, the fact that her stomach talks to her...a tad concerning.) I nearly choked seven times on the peanuts in my Asian chicken salad and once on my breadstick. So while she technically isn’t an infectious, incurable disease…she IS somewhat of a health hazard.

I’m working on the permanent label I’m going to affix to her forehead.

Under the Weather...and Under My Skin.

2005-01-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

It is Abby’s turn to be sick now that Paige is on the mend. And let me just tell you that she’s taking the job seriously. The funny thing about Abby is that she’ll throw you off by not acting sick…and then all of a sudden she’s down for the count. Oh, but last night…I learned the “new” wrath that is Abby when she is sick. Let ye now be warned.

If she was even so much as nudged last night while she was sleeping in OUR BED, she would completely flip out. And by flipping out I mean that she resembled a psychotic animal in captivity. On one of the few times that I even attempted to touch her so SHE WOULDN’T FALL OFF THE BED, she responded with the flailing of limbs and gnashing of teeth.

In my sleep deprived state I say “Are you kidding me??!!” To which she responds with a nice, swift kick to my side.

Apparently she wasn’t kidding me.

Council, You're Out of Order

2005-01-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

Well...I did have plans to go to Tahoe this weekend but it just wasn't in the cards. Instead, we stayed home with a sick Paige (and then Abby last night) and just hung around the house. We did venture out yesterday for a quick trip to my mom's before Jess and kids left for home. On the way there, Hubby had a conversation with Paige to remind her that it was time for medicine once we got to Grammie's house. As usual, Paige begins to complain and freak out about the medicine taking and Hubby and I really try to drive home the fact that she really doesn't have a choice.

Completely out of the blue, Abby tries to come to her sister's aid.

"No wannit Paigie."
(Translation: Paigie doesn't want the medicine.)

"Abby. Its okay. Paige needs her medicine.
(This is me trying to reason with a two-year old. I'm so smart.)

"No wannit Paigie!"
(She's getting more insistent.)

This continues one more time when all of a sudden Hubby says, "What, Paige...did you hire a lawyer? Did Abby take the case??"

After the laughter subsides, and there was 30 seconds of silence before Paige tries another angle.

"Mom. I really don't want to take my medicine."

"Paige...talk to your lawyer." And then right on cue...

"No wannit Paigie!"

Living Under a Rock

2005-01-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

I've said it before, but I've lead a sheltered life in so many ways. There are times when Hubby really begins to wonder about me and how naive I am. Especially when he uses a comment or phrase and I have to have him explain it to me. Unfortunately, I am the one having the embarrasing moment. Let me explain:

One day at work, Hubby called me up while he was out and about. We chatted for several minutes and he mentioned that he was on his way back home. Then he says:

"Yeah, I'm gonna go drop the kids off at the pool."

Confused, naive JP says: "What kids? What pool?"

The embarassment? Oh, its there.

Table for Fourteen, Please

2005-01-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

Any time my family gets together, you can bet your booty there is chaos but there is so much fun. The following are some the funniest dang moments from last night's dose of chaos. I'm still recovering...and Jess has vowed revenge because she knows that what I'm about to do. (There really are only a few Jess moments ahead...trust me, I could've put MORE.) Let's just preface this entire blog by saying that it took Jess and her kids nearly four hours to get to my mom's house for the weekend. By the time dinner rolled around, she was just plain dippy. Poor thing...

Somehow the subject of the movie "Along Came Polly" and it was brought up how funny Jess and my brother Jordan thought the "sharted" part was. For some reason, it totally slays them. My mom, hearing us talk about it, mentions how much she hates that word. "I prefer Fooped," she says.
"Foop,"says Jess. "I don't get it." (Don't worry, here I come to help the poor soul.)
"Jess. Sh** + Fart = Sharted. Fart + Poop =...."
"ohhhh...Foop."
There she goes!

Later on, my mom was trying to tell Jess about someone she ran into and couldn't think of her name. There was much guessing going on and then Jess started to yell out hints.
"WHAT?!" I say.
Jess says," Lassie's having trouble...I'm trying to figure out what she's trying to tell me."
(Much laughing)
"What about?" I ask
Jess' profound answer: "If I knew, I would KNOW!"

My mom's neighbor recently had her chest "worked on" and we are all so very excited for her. (I'm jealous...but that's okay.) We all really want to go see her new additions but can't really imagine ourselves going over there, knocking on her door and asking if her new boobs can come out to play. My mom says we should just preface everything by saying: "Hey, JP wants to get one someday..."

No, Mom...I would really rather prefer TWO. A tad more efficient that way.

No matter how much debate...Jess still maintains that a group of turkeys is a gaggle. Please comment here and prove her wrong. ;)

During our discussion of TiVo, Jess, J and voiced our desire to have one of our own. My dad just could not see the benefit of such a product. While trying to explain the benefits, I say, "Dad. You know how you fall asleep during a show? As soon as you wake up, hit rewind and play with now commercials!"

But J had to one up me: "You know, Dad, how you take an hour to go to the bathroom? You could TOTALLY pause C.O.P.S. and then come back right where you left off!"

um...yeah...Jess? Don't tell Dad I posted that one...

I wrote all of these down while I was there at my mom's because my memory is just THAT GOOD. Everyone kept asking me what I was doing. Without giving away "too much" I told them that I was writing down all of the stupid things that keep coming out of Jess' mouth.

Hubby kindly asked if I needed more paper. He's so...helpful.

I have such fun with my family....

Un Problemo

2005-01-13T13:20:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with my younger sister to schedule weekend plans. (Just found out that Jess is coming for the weekend…but whatever. Now she’s going to blame me because I keep forgetting to call her. Again…whatever.) Anyway, here’s the problem:

When you need a TRANSLATOR to understand J because she has such a severe sinus infection, this is a problem!

I still am not quite sure what we just talked about.

What a Way To Make a Living...

2005-01-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

As Sarah and my friend Noelle can attest to...I was a COMPLETE shit the past couple of days (even though they'll yell at me for saying this) over this promotion that I applied for. They way people were acting and just the overwhelming sense of WEIRDNESS...I thought that I had been passed over. I had a really sick feeling in my stomach...I was dissapointed, let down and all around negative.

And then I get called into my boss' office this morning...

NOTHING can make you feel more like a shit than thinking you've lost at something and have a REALLY bad attitude only to find out that you got the job.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen...I got the promotion...and I feel like a SHIT. I can't even be excited...okay, I can a little bit...because I feel like such a WANKER. (Yes, Aidan and Sarah, I just said wanker.) Once again, I have FAILED at my tests in humility. FAILED.

But, DAMN! I GOT THE JOB! After the feelings of guilt go away I will realize how proud I am of myself and how excited I am for this promotion. Until then...ya'll need to learn from the lesson that I didn't.

DON'T. BE. A. SHIT.